[ malkuth has never kissed someone before, nevermind be kissed back as light as the angling is, but... she thinks she likes it, how it eases something in her at the same time only doubles the yearning for company, as if finding a comfortable nook to nap in and lamenting having to leave it any.
that's probably-- no, it's definitely bad, since there's so, so little he know about her, despite what he'd learned already. there's blood on her hands that can't be cleaned. no matter how she might want for this (with him? or anyone? she's only beginning to realize either) there's still... so much that needs to be said, even if her thoughts are gone for the two, three seconds it lasts.
a new feeling rests in her heart when his hand pushes her away, battling with the heat and want that only enflames further, and malkuth unsuccessfully tries to follow for another. ]
Sorry, I-- [ she's not sorry. she wants to kiss him again. oh, that's embarrassing. ] Rafayel, please don't go.
[ if it's more her soul's keen awareness of loneliness or her own malkuth couldn't say, but him leaving feels like tearing a blanket off herself. her hand's a weak anchor against his arm, and
despite her words, despite her feelings right now, she does know she isn't... in the right state of mind, too, that's why she hadn't called-- whoever else, why she's been putting herself into timeout instead, so really, he should leave. he should. even if she really doesn't want him to and, on a baseless hope, she thinks he doesn't either. ]
[ despite the way it slid off his tongue (lol) like a joke, or a really bad attempt at being one— there's something serious in his underlying tone. it's like his own voice sobers him, before his actual body and brain even begins to catch up. to be honest, when it came to intimacy, there was only one person on the other end of his thoughts, and this remained as unchanged as the concept of the sun setting and rising each day. perhaps, precisely because of this, that the comprehension of how much he's messed up seems to hit him all at once, and leave him feeling a whole sea of emotions.
even when he still feels a certain headiness from their kiss, rafayel tries to will himself to get up and walk towards the door. it's a battle he never thought he'd be engaged in, really. walking away when it came to most people had always been so easy, after all. his feet shuffle slowly, as if taking in the way she apologizes to him. normally, this is where he could have been dramatic, maybe even make light of a situation that was clearly out of both of their control—
where'd they would both approach it like it's never happened at all.
but, she makes it more difficult than he thought possible. instead, his brows furrow slightly and bring a finger up to his forehead as if deeply in thought, even with his back to her. he then gives a small wave of his hand. ] You won't be. [ he doesn't necessarily feel guilty over leaving.
is it selfish that even now there's only one person on his mind? ]
I'll send you a message later, yeah? [ at least he's left some folded flowers by her door.
... but, is that comfort or something worse? he doesn't know. ]
[ funny, isn't it. how she's always left looking at someone else's back.
the guilt chews at her. it doesn't sober her the way she wishes it would, it doesn't lessen the flame -- just deepens the shame that came with it, even with the promise of a message later it
doesn't help
at all, the gnawing loneliness furthered by her soul, the heat and memories he's left her with. malkuth's got no other words even for herself, just a groan and curling up where he'd sat, the scent of the sea an unfortunate reminder. the flowers will be collected when she's sure he's far gone, and they'll find a place in her room like all the others, it just
won't
help, at all, the flush in her cheeks that won't go away even once her week ends. ]
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that's probably-- no, it's definitely bad, since there's so, so little he know about her, despite what he'd learned already. there's blood on her hands that can't be cleaned. no matter how she might want for this (with him? or anyone? she's only beginning to realize either) there's still... so much that needs to be said, even if her thoughts are gone for the two, three seconds it lasts.
a new feeling rests in her heart when his hand pushes her away, battling with the heat and want that only enflames further, and malkuth unsuccessfully tries to follow for another. ]
Sorry, I-- [ she's not sorry. she wants to kiss him again. oh, that's embarrassing. ] Rafayel, please don't go.
[ if it's more her soul's keen awareness of loneliness or her own malkuth couldn't say, but him leaving feels like tearing a blanket off herself. her hand's a weak anchor against his arm, and
despite her words, despite her feelings right now, she does know she isn't... in the right state of mind, too, that's why she hadn't called-- whoever else, why she's been putting herself into timeout instead, so really, he should leave. he should. even if she really doesn't want him to and, on a baseless hope, she thinks he doesn't either. ]
... I don't want to be alone again.
justice for malkuth
even when he still feels a certain headiness from their kiss, rafayel tries to will himself to get up and walk towards the door. it's a battle he never thought he'd be engaged in, really. walking away when it came to most people had always been so easy, after all. his feet shuffle slowly, as if taking in the way she apologizes to him. normally, this is where he could have been dramatic, maybe even make light of a situation that was clearly out of both of their control—
where'd they would both approach it like it's never happened at all.
but, she makes it more difficult than he thought possible. instead, his brows furrow slightly and bring a finger up to his forehead as if deeply in thought, even with his back to her. he then gives a small wave of his hand. ] You won't be. [ he doesn't necessarily feel guilty over leaving.
is it selfish that even now there's only one person on his mind? ]
I'll send you a message later, yeah? [ at least he's left some folded flowers by her door.
... but, is that comfort or something worse? he doesn't know. ]
we should kill him
the guilt chews at her. it doesn't sober her the way she wishes it would, it doesn't lessen the flame -- just deepens the shame that came with it, even with the promise of a message later it
doesn't help
at all, the gnawing loneliness furthered by her soul, the heat and memories he's left her with. malkuth's got no other words even for herself, just a groan and curling up where he'd sat, the scent of the sea an unfortunate reminder. the flowers will be collected when she's sure he's far gone, and they'll find a place in her room like all the others, it just
won't
help, at all, the flush in her cheeks that won't go away even once her week ends. ]