[ that's not inaccurate. his own head is a hellish landscape that was riddled with guilt and resentment. for a long time, he wasn't able to move past these emotions. ... and the fact that he even started to was thanks to tobari. he taught him a life beyond just his sense of responsibility, or the burdens he carried. lemuria would always be important to him, but tobari showed him he was still entitled to live his own life.
maybe this is why his past works were so focused on his pain. he thought his feelings of hurt were the only things that could fuel his artistic desires. but, while he's learned that isn't true, he also knows there are mental blocks in which keep holding him back from moving on.
kind of like alden. would killing him finally free him? would it make right by his people?
it's ironic how they think similarly, and yet their approaches couldn't be anymore different. what's more amazing is... tobari's acceptance. to be honest, he would have understood if he needed more time. even now, rafayel isn't sure if he believes those words. but— he thinks i might be okay to try to trust them.
he also leans in, taking in the taste of his lips for a second time. but, this time, he lingers a little longer, before pulling away. ] Okay. [they'll talk, and maybe he can ask his own questions... ] For now, we should head back. They'll be doing the toast soon.
[ ... and right after that, he wants to make sure he takes the scales back.
but, he thinks he should have tobari wait for him for that. ]
[ tobari meets rafayel for that second kiss, willing to give him whatever he wants right now. he's wondering if this explains all the strange behavior, the idea that he might be become something unforgivable or monstrous. there's blood on his hands, tobari understands that now. it's true that at the end of the day, tobari is an embarrassingly bleeding heart that has trouble taking life on his own... but can he blame rafayel for it? knowing what he does now? what this alden asshole has cost him?
no. not at all. he's heard of people dying for far pettier, crueler reasons.
he sighs at the idea of heading back... but in the end, he just nods. he kisses rafayel one last time on the cheek, aiming for consoling, but then he'll return to just taking his arm so they can appear as a perfectly polite, genteel couple. and not a pair of criminals. ]
[ tobari's words were reassuring, sure, but the physical evidence of it probably surprises him a little more. the kiss he doesn't move away from, the lack of any signs of recoiling from under his touch. it felt more real to him than sentences and syllables, and it wasn't from any lack of trust in tobari. it was instinct. people could try and fight against their moral standing and even against their own internal fears, but it didn't mean every single person was really capable of it.
he wonders if this means tobari understands— really understands, or if he's just too deep in it now.
which, he can't lie, was also his hope.
when he kisses him one last time, he does manage a small nod in his direction. it's as if to say "i'm okay." ... and silently to admit that he's done this before, and he dons the same mask he always does in front of everyone else. the same placid smile, even as he raises his wine glass to alden's speech where he thanks "mr. rafayel" for offering such a wonderful wine for a special celebration. it's weird because he thought it would have felt more satisfying to lay down the trap, and yet...
he stares blankly at the glass in his fingers for a moment, before remembering the warmth of tobari next to him, and he leans into him just a little. ] Are you really going to follow me? [ he thinks it'd be less suspicious to go alone and come back, but... he also doesn't want to hide anything else from tobari. ]
[ maybe if tobari's life was more comfortable, kinder, less difficult—he'd have more issues accepting this. however, as is... even if it's something that rattles their relationship in some ways, it's not nearly enough for it to rattle his faith in rafayel. there's more for them to get into at home, but at least here? when rafayel needs the support and has brought him here to witness this all...? tobari has accepted his necessary position as someone whose entire role is to be steady.
so he watches rafayel switch easily back into his own role—the charming artist —and remains at his side even as they return for the toast. tobari's expression returns to his own politely distant demeanor, even though he might stare just a little too intently at alden whenever the other man isn't looking. there's something about knowing that another person is essentially a dead man walking.
but otherwise, he's practically docile if not for the fact that he remains at rafayel's side like a standoffish cat that looked at you like he's waiting for an excuse to scratch. he neglects his own glass to keep up the demeanor that he doesn't drink, instead letting his hands settle in the crook of rafayel's elbow. when the question comes, he lets his head rest against rafayel's shoulder, looking up at him with a curated, open expression. anyone glancing over wouldn't be able to hear their conversation, just the picture of a young couple fascinated with each other ]
If you don't want me there or if it'd be easier, I can cover for you.
But if you'll have me, I want to.
[ he doesn't want to leave rafayel alone at all anymore ]
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maybe this is why his past works were so focused on his pain. he thought his feelings of hurt were the only things that could fuel his artistic desires. but, while he's learned that isn't true, he also knows there are mental blocks in which keep holding him back from moving on.
kind of like alden. would killing him finally free him? would it make right by his people?
it's ironic how they think similarly, and yet their approaches couldn't be anymore different. what's more amazing is... tobari's acceptance. to be honest, he would have understood if he needed more time. even now, rafayel isn't sure if he believes those words. but— he thinks i might be okay to try to trust them.
he also leans in, taking in the taste of his lips for a second time. but, this time, he lingers a little longer, before pulling away. ] Okay. [they'll talk, and maybe he can ask his own questions... ] For now, we should head back. They'll be doing the toast soon.
[ ... and right after that, he wants to make sure he takes the scales back.
but, he thinks he should have tobari wait for him for that. ]
no subject
no. not at all. he's heard of people dying for far pettier, crueler reasons.
he sighs at the idea of heading back... but in the end, he just nods. he kisses rafayel one last time on the cheek, aiming for consoling, but then he'll return to just taking his arm so they can appear as a perfectly polite, genteel couple. and not a pair of criminals. ]
Mm. Alright.
[ a small reminder: ] I'll go where you go.
no subject
he wonders if this means tobari understands— really understands, or if he's just too deep in it now.
which, he can't lie, was also his hope.
when he kisses him one last time, he does manage a small nod in his direction. it's as if to say "i'm okay." ... and silently to admit that he's done this before, and he dons the same mask he always does in front of everyone else. the same placid smile, even as he raises his wine glass to alden's speech where he thanks "mr. rafayel" for offering such a wonderful wine for a special celebration. it's weird because he thought it would have felt more satisfying to lay down the trap, and yet...
he stares blankly at the glass in his fingers for a moment, before remembering the warmth of tobari next to him, and he leans into him just a little. ] Are you really going to follow me? [ he thinks it'd be less suspicious to go alone and come back, but... he also doesn't want to hide anything else from tobari. ]
no subject
so he watches rafayel switch easily back into his own role—the charming artist —and remains at his side even as they return for the toast. tobari's expression returns to his own politely distant demeanor, even though he might stare just a little too intently at alden whenever the other man isn't looking. there's something about knowing that another person is essentially a dead man walking.
but otherwise, he's practically docile if not for the fact that he remains at rafayel's side like a standoffish cat that looked at you like he's waiting for an excuse to scratch. he neglects his own glass to keep up the demeanor that he doesn't drink, instead letting his hands settle in the crook of rafayel's elbow. when the question comes, he lets his head rest against rafayel's shoulder, looking up at him with a curated, open expression. anyone glancing over wouldn't be able to hear their conversation, just the picture of a young couple fascinated with each other ]
If you don't want me there or if it'd be easier, I can cover for you.
But if you'll have me, I want to.
[ he doesn't want to leave rafayel alone at all anymore ]