but tobari just welcomes the embrace, holding rafayel close for as long as he wants… and then keeping his hands on his shoulders even as he pulls back. something steadying.
the confirmation that his teacher didn’t just go missing makes something twist in tobari’s gut, a scowl escaping containment before he can think to stop it. he frowns when he follows rafayel’s gaze back to the painting and his brow furrows… ]
… no. Good people suffer and assholes persist.
[ there’s no way he can ever believe that there is real justice in the world, not when so many people suffer without cause. ]
that's normally how it goes. normally being the keyword. he's sure tobari already has an inkling of why he asked, or what this all inevitably shakes out to. the scales, the wine, their presence at this party. it's why he just nods at his words. ] I just hope the victims find peace. [ ... and if he could save or help other lemurians in a similar situation, he would a thousand times over.
he falls silent for a moment. he doesn't justify his actions because he isn't sure if "right" or "wrong" was really applicable. to him, they were just facts. cause and effect. revenge. even the words "divine retribution" just seemed so lofty and far removed from himself, even if he was the sea god.
a little quieter, he can't help but ask: ] Do you think I'm a bad person?
tobari's quiet for a long moment. rafayel's question is familiar, if only for the way that it haunts tobari too. it's the question he asks himself even when he watches estates burn ablaze. is this worth it? does this accomplish anything at all? are we just as bad as them?
and now every rich person who's died—sometimes they even have the same targets. it's so ironic that he'd laugh if he didn't think it was also so unimaginably cruel to rafayel. tobari's hand slips down to rafayel's heart and wonders what type of battering it's taken. if this has anything to do with the nights that he can't fall asleep. ]
... I think that no matter what I say, you'll have to find an answer within yourself. I can't absolve you of whatever it is that you're feeling.
[ but he'll lean up, pressing his lips to rafayel's just once. ]
But you're just as important to me as you were before we walked in here. We can talk about it more at home... but I'm not mad or afraid of you. You're still mine and I'm not letting you walk away from me.
[ that's not inaccurate. his own head is a hellish landscape that was riddled with guilt and resentment. for a long time, he wasn't able to move past these emotions. ... and the fact that he even started to was thanks to tobari. he taught him a life beyond just his sense of responsibility, or the burdens he carried. lemuria would always be important to him, but tobari showed him he was still entitled to live his own life.
maybe this is why his past works were so focused on his pain. he thought his feelings of hurt were the only things that could fuel his artistic desires. but, while he's learned that isn't true, he also knows there are mental blocks in which keep holding him back from moving on.
kind of like alden. would killing him finally free him? would it make right by his people?
it's ironic how they think similarly, and yet their approaches couldn't be anymore different. what's more amazing is... tobari's acceptance. to be honest, he would have understood if he needed more time. even now, rafayel isn't sure if he believes those words. but— he thinks i might be okay to try to trust them.
he also leans in, taking in the taste of his lips for a second time. but, this time, he lingers a little longer, before pulling away. ] Okay. [they'll talk, and maybe he can ask his own questions... ] For now, we should head back. They'll be doing the toast soon.
[ ... and right after that, he wants to make sure he takes the scales back.
but, he thinks he should have tobari wait for him for that. ]
[ tobari meets rafayel for that second kiss, willing to give him whatever he wants right now. he's wondering if this explains all the strange behavior, the idea that he might be become something unforgivable or monstrous. there's blood on his hands, tobari understands that now. it's true that at the end of the day, tobari is an embarrassingly bleeding heart that has trouble taking life on his own... but can he blame rafayel for it? knowing what he does now? what this alden asshole has cost him?
no. not at all. he's heard of people dying for far pettier, crueler reasons.
he sighs at the idea of heading back... but in the end, he just nods. he kisses rafayel one last time on the cheek, aiming for consoling, but then he'll return to just taking his arm so they can appear as a perfectly polite, genteel couple. and not a pair of criminals. ]
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no subject
but tobari just welcomes the embrace, holding rafayel close for as long as he wants… and then keeping his hands on his shoulders even as he pulls back. something steadying.
the confirmation that his teacher didn’t just go missing makes something twist in tobari’s gut, a scowl escaping containment before he can think to stop it. he frowns when he follows rafayel’s gaze back to the painting and his brow furrows… ]
… no. Good people suffer and assholes persist.
[ there’s no way he can ever believe that there is real justice in the world, not when so many people suffer without cause. ]
Even if I wish that wasn’t the case.
no subject
that's normally how it goes. normally being the keyword. he's sure tobari already has an inkling of why he asked, or what this all inevitably shakes out to. the scales, the wine, their presence at this party. it's why he just nods at his words. ] I just hope the victims find peace. [ ... and if he could save or help other lemurians in a similar situation, he would a thousand times over.
he falls silent for a moment. he doesn't justify his actions because he isn't sure if "right" or "wrong" was really applicable. to him, they were just facts. cause and effect. revenge. even the words "divine retribution" just seemed so lofty and far removed from himself, even if he was the sea god.
a little quieter, he can't help but ask: ] Do you think I'm a bad person?
no subject
tobari's quiet for a long moment. rafayel's question is familiar, if only for the way that it haunts tobari too. it's the question he asks himself even when he watches estates burn ablaze. is this worth it? does this accomplish anything at all? are we just as bad as them?
and now every rich person who's died—sometimes they even have the same targets. it's so ironic that he'd laugh if he didn't think it was also so unimaginably cruel to rafayel. tobari's hand slips down to rafayel's heart and wonders what type of battering it's taken. if this has anything to do with the nights that he can't fall asleep. ]
... I think that no matter what I say, you'll have to find an answer within yourself. I can't absolve you of whatever it is that you're feeling.
[ but he'll lean up, pressing his lips to rafayel's just once. ]
But you're just as important to me as you were before we walked in here. We can talk about it more at home... but I'm not mad or afraid of you. You're still mine and I'm not letting you walk away from me.
no subject
maybe this is why his past works were so focused on his pain. he thought his feelings of hurt were the only things that could fuel his artistic desires. but, while he's learned that isn't true, he also knows there are mental blocks in which keep holding him back from moving on.
kind of like alden. would killing him finally free him? would it make right by his people?
it's ironic how they think similarly, and yet their approaches couldn't be anymore different. what's more amazing is... tobari's acceptance. to be honest, he would have understood if he needed more time. even now, rafayel isn't sure if he believes those words. but— he thinks i might be okay to try to trust them.
he also leans in, taking in the taste of his lips for a second time. but, this time, he lingers a little longer, before pulling away. ] Okay. [they'll talk, and maybe he can ask his own questions... ] For now, we should head back. They'll be doing the toast soon.
[ ... and right after that, he wants to make sure he takes the scales back.
but, he thinks he should have tobari wait for him for that. ]
no subject
no. not at all. he's heard of people dying for far pettier, crueler reasons.
he sighs at the idea of heading back... but in the end, he just nods. he kisses rafayel one last time on the cheek, aiming for consoling, but then he'll return to just taking his arm so they can appear as a perfectly polite, genteel couple. and not a pair of criminals. ]
Mm. Alright.
[ a small reminder: ] I'll go where you go.