honestly, he's a bit shaken by seeing these memories.
normally these memories hit him in snippets whenever he closed his eyes to sleep and his brain was feeling particularly unforgiving. they're echoes of the past that play out like age-old film, not unlike the screams of his people which lace his every nightmare, and leave him soaked in sweat and feeling like he's drowning. ironic, if just because a lemurian couldn't possibly drown. even now his chest feels tight like it's hard to breathe. which is why he's grateful for tobari's efforts in repositioning him a distance away from it, even when he knows that physical distance couldn't exactly put up a metaphorical one too.
when tobari speaks, it does have a way of snapping him out of it, and he just blinks a few times before he shakes his head. ] No. [ he'll talk. ] Like you saw, I wasn't originally from here. I mean, the surface world. I'm not human.
[ his gaze falls back to the ground before it focuses back on tobari's face. does it make him seem more pathetic that he hasn't let go of his hand still? ]
I'm sure most people just think of us as monsters. But, even monsters have a home.
[ once they're a decent way away from the ice, he slows them down to a stop. no longer fleeing from the reminder of old traumas, but also apparently if they just keep walking they might circle back again? what the hell is up with that. but more than that, tobari's just occupied with... well, giving rafayel a chance to catch his breath.
when rafayel looks to him, tobari meets his gaze, even and unflinching. he hadn't really guessed this—maybe some people just really like the ocean and fish and relating themselves to seafood. maybe it's a cultural thing. he's never had an ocean he doesn't know—but it doesn't come as a huge surprise either. even if it makes him frown automatically, defensive on rafayel's behalf and the behalf of anyone else who's born somewhere the sun doesn't reach ]
As if humans aren't capable of acts twice as monstrous just because. It's fine to be whatever you are. It's not a sin to be born in different circumstances.
[ it's not like tobari's let go of rafayel's hand either. it's an automatic thing to let his thumb brush against the back of rafayel's in smooth, even strokes. an automatic, subconscious gesture with the intention to help soothe whatever nerves remain. ]
[ it's not false. tobari is 100% right, and rafayel can't help the almost self-deprecating huff that he lets out, as if finding humor in it. ] You're right. [ but, maybe he wishes they both weren't right about this. he isn't sure what's worse, the idea of having failed his people back then, or now...
he falls to silence for a moment, before shaking his head. ] Thanks, it was a beautiful place, yeah. [ that he's ruined, but he doesn't say that. ] Remember when I saw your memories before? Let's just say, this is why I could understand how you felt. It's hard to get over that feeling.
But, that's also why... Lemuria is supposed to be the most important thing to me.
[ but, as they can both see, it's clear he has something else just as important. whether it be the girl in his memories, the woman in his shard, or miss bodyguard who must be waiting for him back in linkon. ]
[ . . . 'supposed to be' really is the operative phrase here, isn't it? and again, it's not something that tobari fails to understand. in the very last dredges of time he had left, he dreamt up a future where he could run away with hinagiku. it's the closest he'd ever felt to abandoning the district he's dedicated so much of his life to. even still... ]
... you can't really help what your heart ends up wanting. I don't think we choose who we end up falling for. [ it's the least logical and responsible thing about him, but he's clearly failed to talk himself out of his own feelings so many times ] But I don't think that's inherently bad either. I'd rather live in a world where we accidentally love more than less.
[ even with its costs. he shakes his head slightly ]
I don't have any good advice or words to make things better. We're in similar enough boats—I tried to keep both and ended up with neither.
... but I think if it's not over for you, then you can find a future that's better than what I ended up with. Even if it's difficult to rebuild, or hard to find. I want to believe you'll succeed.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
honestly, he's a bit shaken by seeing these memories.
normally these memories hit him in snippets whenever he closed his eyes to sleep and his brain was feeling particularly unforgiving. they're echoes of the past that play out like age-old film, not unlike the screams of his people which lace his every nightmare, and leave him soaked in sweat and feeling like he's drowning. ironic, if just because a lemurian couldn't possibly drown. even now his chest feels tight like it's hard to breathe. which is why he's grateful for tobari's efforts in repositioning him a distance away from it, even when he knows that physical distance couldn't exactly put up a metaphorical one too.
when tobari speaks, it does have a way of snapping him out of it, and he just blinks a few times before he shakes his head. ] No. [ he'll talk. ] Like you saw, I wasn't originally from here. I mean, the surface world. I'm not human.
[ his gaze falls back to the ground before it focuses back on tobari's face. does it make him seem more pathetic that he hasn't let go of his hand still? ]
I'm sure most people just think of us as monsters. But, even monsters have a home.
[ ... just not anymore. ]
no subject
when rafayel looks to him, tobari meets his gaze, even and unflinching. he hadn't really guessed this—maybe some people just really like the ocean and fish and relating themselves to seafood. maybe it's a cultural thing. he's never had an ocean he doesn't know—but it doesn't come as a huge surprise either. even if it makes him frown automatically, defensive on rafayel's behalf and the behalf of anyone else who's born somewhere the sun doesn't reach ]
As if humans aren't capable of acts twice as monstrous just because. It's fine to be whatever you are. It's not a sin to be born in different circumstances.
[ it's not like tobari's let go of rafayel's hand either. it's an automatic thing to let his thumb brush against the back of rafayel's in smooth, even strokes. an automatic, subconscious gesture with the intention to help soothe whatever nerves remain. ]
... it looked beautiful. Your home.
no subject
he falls to silence for a moment, before shaking his head. ] Thanks, it was a beautiful place, yeah. [ that he's ruined, but he doesn't say that. ] Remember when I saw your memories before? Let's just say, this is why I could understand how you felt. It's hard to get over that feeling.
But, that's also why... Lemuria is supposed to be the most important thing to me.
[ but, as they can both see, it's clear he has something else just as important. whether it be the girl in his memories, the woman in his shard, or miss bodyguard who must be waiting for him back in linkon. ]
no subject
... you can't really help what your heart ends up wanting. I don't think we choose who we end up falling for. [ it's the least logical and responsible thing about him, but he's clearly failed to talk himself out of his own feelings so many times ] But I don't think that's inherently bad either. I'd rather live in a world where we accidentally love more than less.
[ even with its costs. he shakes his head slightly ]
I don't have any good advice or words to make things better. We're in similar enough boats—I tried to keep both and ended up with neither.
... but I think if it's not over for you, then you can find a future that's better than what I ended up with. Even if it's difficult to rebuild, or hard to find. I want to believe you'll succeed.