Okay, whatever you say. [ the cat fit will be here by tomorrow, so no regrets.
that said, thinking about tomorrow does leave him feeling a little somber. while it might be unfair, he can't help but get a little sentimental when he thinks this could be their last date. he falls into a thought for a moment, before he shakes it off.
rafayel grabbed a spoon earlier, and he uses it to scoop up a mochi ball from tobari's ice cream and holds it up to his mouth. ]
Thanks for tonight. It isn't too early for me to say that, is it?
tobari's not a mindreader, but the sudden gratitude just gets him to tilt his head. he'll lean in to eat the mochi ball and take advantage of the time he needs to chew to measure his next words out ]
It doesn't have to be... though it's not an uncommon line from someone trying to split from the date early.
[ so he'll raise his brow at that, a silent question. he doesn't mind returning to Heterosexual Housemate Dynamics if this is already rafayel trying to cut and run? ]
... surprises him. he blinks a few times. tobari's intuition was not to be underestimated. when he looks at him so quietly like that, though... he takes a moment to swallow down the rest of his drink, before he shakes his head. ] You do remember that we're going home together, right? If you don't want this to end, then we can just continue it for as long as you want. [ outside, formal date to home date also sounded kind of fun... or taking a nice drive together.
but that does beg the question— when does it end... ]
[ said with a but of humor. quite plainly—if he had his way, it'd go on a long while. this doesn't need to be something that they do just tonight, it could be something they do for always. he's made himself clear by now, hasn't he? so he leaves the door open and in rafayel's court. they can end it when he wants it... or they can also start it when he wants it. since technically they haven't even truly begun. ]
[ rafayel gives a soft huff. half in humor, and the other half to mask a bit of sheepishness. tobari's words have a certain way of catching him off-guard like this. the affection in his words feel so different against the almost practiced, composed way about him.
he seems to ponder it for a second before shaking his head. ] Is this supposed to be like a fairy tale then? When the clock strikes 12 is the magic all gone? [ he asks, even when he's a little scared of the answer. maybe that's why he moves to take their trash so he can shuffle away to the waste bin. ]
[ hm.... tobari will at least move to stand shortly after, following rafayel and once he's done throwing the trash away, reach out with his palm up to take his hand again. off they go... ]
Even if that'd be convenient, I think magic will probably a little more stubborn in this case.
[ tobari doesn't think that whatever this is between them can disappear so easily... but they could always find another pair of horrible awful scissors and find out? ]
No. [ he answers a little more easily and honestly than he should, especially as he grabs onto tobari's hands without looking. coming together like it was gradually becoming second nature to him. ]
But, that might just be selfish. As you can see, I don't have much experience with staying in one place. I've also never had someone stay by my side like this before. Since it's all new, I... [ he's not sure how to feel.
the uncertainty is a contrast to how he just admitted he didn't want tobari to distance himself. he isn't sure if he could handle just going back to how they were, but he also struggles to think of a future where he wouldn't think of her. ]
[ . . . he was just teasing a bit, he didn't mean to make rafayel go into a spiral. he will at least have the decency to guide him out of the hot ice cream shop so he doesn't have to smize about it. evening has draped the sky in all its blues and blacks now, only dotted with a few stars, but tobari will settle for just walking along for a bit. ]
... you can be selfish.
[ he doesn't mind? he'll give rafayel's hand a light squeeze ]
Mm... I don't know if you want to talk about it now, or at least let the date wrap and we can talk about it in the morning. [ because they will, hilariously, still be living together ] But... I guess in general I think my sentiments boil down to the fact that I think you deserve to have someone who stays by your side. Just like this.
And— [ he pauses, weighing the words, trying to determine if he thinks it'd pressure rafayel too much ] ... Well, as long as you want them to.
[ he changed his mind... he'll swallow down his actual selfish sentiment because tobari can give that advice to others, but not quite manage it for himself.
[ the amount of times rafayel has had a meltdown...
it's so hard when your entire character is based off your devotion and love. smize... smile with your eyes, tobari. that said, it's nice to get some of the outside chill again. the ice cream warmed him up a little, sure, but he thinks being worked up probably contributed far more.
but, at tobari's "you can be selfish".. he can only sigh!!! STOP DOING THAT!!!
honestly, it's still a little weird for him— the idea of being thought of with such care. then again, he probably also hears similar words from talia who could only sound like a broken record at this point about "finding your anchor." he wonders if that had somehow ended up being tobari...
a topic he can't exactly broach yet. instead, he continues quietly... ]
Is that what they want? Because if I recall correctly, the only thing I wanted from them was to find their own happiness and to pursue their passions? [ ... is he a potential piece of that for him? could he be? ]
[ it's almost like rafayel is from hit mobile otome game love and deepspace and tobari is in a little guy torture simulator. how is this the same genre? anyway he doesn't feel tortured right now, not by a long shot.
anyway his answer is easy, ]
Sometimes a person's passions often end up being focused on other people. [ platonically yes but also ] And happiness even moreso...
[ he's not shy enough to talk in hypotheticals so he'll speak directly ]
I'm not trying to stress you out, Raf. I'll be fine either way. [ tobari can handle being rejected? the thing that's just a little confusing is that rafayel also doesn't seem to be rejecting him? ] But there's no way I can be happy if you're miserable.
[ that's what i'm saying... gives all of tobari's pain to rafayel ]
I'm not miserable. [ but, it clearly comes a bit faster than he intends, and he can't deny that it sounds insincere even to him. maybe because he instinctively knows it may be a lie. his perception of love was always in terms of pain. in some ways, even his art was all about reaching into that part of his soul that hasn't fully begun to heal. his paintings often depicted all his regrets, his shortcomings, his anger... his longing. so he might have been prepared for misery, yeah.
or he thought he was.
but, lately... he does consider that he may have been happier now than he had been in a long time. where companionship didn't feel nearly as burdensome as a concept as it once was to him, and showing his heart was made a bit more... simple. at least, in front of tobari.
it's why he regrets answering him in that way, and he's quick to shake it off. ]
I do think you're special to me. [ kills rafayel for being so confusing ]
as for his answer... well. it's not like tobari doesn't understand.
if asked if he was depressed, he'd also brush it off. even though he knows that there's a heaviness and listlessness to him here in linkon that didn't exist even over a month ago—back when the district was thriving and everyone who took care of him and he took care of was still alive. his own rate of healing was slow, but it's been made easier when he's put more of his attention on suzune... and now, rafayel. he's not offended by the near defensiveness, if anything it makes sense to him.
like rafayel's answer also makes sense to him. ]
... well, it'd be embarrassing if I misread things to that extent.
[ he does think that their bond stands out. something intimate, even if it's not yet defined as romantic or platonic. ]
But you can take your time. I'm not in a rush.
[ even if he does think he should head to the doctor soon to figure out how true this is... if he's only got a few months left, he might be in a little bit more of a rush? but only for an answer. it'd just be embarrassing to die in the middle of a situationship. talk about dramatic ]
it’s funny how neither of them are strangers to despondency. though, they’re both relatively resistant to displaying this part of themselves. just as in the past, perhaps it’s precisely because they could relate to one another, that they both weren’t in any particular rush to pry open one another’s old wounds. rafayel doesn’t doubt that tobari may always be plagued with thoughts of home, just as he would never forget lemuria…
however, recently he has been thinking, hypocritically, like talia had once told him— these places, these emotions, and the people in them would always be important, but… he would also think it’s nice if tobari could still find a way to move forward and find what brings him joy. to stay rooted here in this city alongside him…
that said, rafayel is still rafayel. ] I don’t know, I can see you being kind of delusional, yeah? [ ehehe it’s not a funny joke but he shakes his head. he knows tobari is smart enough to know what he doesn’t have the courage to put to spoken word. ]
Once we’re both stable, we can talk about it again. I won’t run or hide, [ well, they live together so it’d be pretty dumb to try. ] so let’s do this again sometime.
[ tobari raises a slight brow at the idea of being called delusional—there's some part of him that feels challenged again, that wants to encroach on rafayel's space and lower his voice just so to elicit the blush that he knows he'd be rewarded with... but he supposed that there was a distinct difference between lust and the type of tie that he actually wants to explore with him. ]
"Stable"... [ is a word he echoes, but he's not sure he fully believes in. rafayel says he won't run but the two of them could be pretty good at avoiding topics if they waned to...
even though there's admittedly the new added layer of this electric unspoken something whenever their hands brush or they stand too close to each other now. so perhaps that will disrupt things enough that it won't be possible to remain here? ]
Mm. [ a soft squeeze of rafayel's hand ] Whenever you want.
[ tobari thinking all that and rafayel having no clue...
to be fair, this all feels like dangerous territory to him. his blossoming feelings, and the acute awareness to it all. he isn't sure if tobari is confident of returning to a time before they've went on this date, and before they knew each other's warmth like this— but, rafayel wasn't.
he was always the type to long for things that were already out of his grasp. but, if he were being completely truthful, he didn't want one of those things mourned to be this.
but, he is also serious about giving tobari time to really adapt. ] Hey, don't word it like that. I mean it. I think it's more for you. [ to get used to this place. he also squeezes back and for a moment he draws his hands towards his lips, and he just gently breathes on them, just enough to warm them. ]
Besides, you lived somewhere pretty different, so we should also get you checked out everywhere. [ tobari's trip to the dentist... but he also thinks... wasn't the air pressure different up there? honestly, this probably isn't the first time he's brought this up. ]
[ tobari is too normal about love. in early stages like this, he's convinced that feelings can fade—even if at the moment, you feel like that's impossible. objectively, he thinks that he could get over this and let his feelings for rafayel fade into something platonic. intense, sure, and more intimate than anything in this world... but platonic! subjectively, it feels like this feeling might consume him.
but he'll raise a brow slowly at the idea that this is for him, even as he lets rafayel have his hand to warm it. it's a strange sensation, one he hasn't been on the receiving end of since he was a kid trying to survive those cold temperatures in the abyss but... it isn't bad. ]
You don't need to be too considerate of me. [ he says, hypocritically ]
... but yeah. Now that Suzune's settled, I can get around to it. [ he's always more focused on other people than himself, but he supposes now he can find the opportunity... ] If you know a doctor or hospital to recommend me to, I'll get it taken care of.
[ a surprisingly easy agreement but like. okay. he knows he's dying. he figures he should probably tell rafayel at some point once he gets an idea of how bad it is. ]
I'm sorry, but that's already not possible for me. You should have been aware of that before I kidnapped you. It's not like you didn't know my personality.
[ he thinks tobari should spend less time taking responsibility for everyone else, and instead be using his newfound freedom more breezily, as intended. but, as much as he thinks it, he knows that tobari at his core... just wasn't like that.
but, even if that's the case, and even if rafayel accepts him for that— that didn't mean he wouldn't keep trying to change him. for all that tobari gives, he'd make sure he'd receive. it was as simple as that. ]
[ that's... true. rafayel is also extremely caring, even if there are times that he is simultaneously distant and constantly dancing out of reach. tobari frowns because he can't really argue against it... even though he's not sure what to do with that type of consideration.
even if he can't deny that it feels... nice.
but he also thinks that rafayel being present for the x-ray that reveals that tobari's lungs are quite literally crystallizing and shortening his lifespan would be... bad! so.
he reaches up to poke rafayel in the center of his nose ]
I'm not a child that needs a chaperone everywhere I go. I can handle my own appointments and health. But I'll let you know how things go after, alright?
[ he's relieved when a rebuttal doesn't come. then again, he feels like tobari was relatively self-aware. it's just his judgments and choices weren't exactly as reasonable as he likely believed... ( us voice ) just sacrificing yourself isn't reasonable
when he feels the poke, he does make a face. ] Hey... [ is that how you treat your free hand-warmer? that said, he does end up giving a nod of agreement. ] Okay. We'll do it your way. [ honestly, he hasn't gone to a doctor, outside of [redacted], so it's doctor zayne again... ]
Let me know too if there's anything I can do. Your health is the most important.
tobari just hums noncommittally at that, because he can't give an answer one way or another. is his health most important? hard to say. it shouldn't be since it's not doing well... he doesn't want rafayel to crash out... well!!!!!
that's not a date topic anymore though so he'll just tilt his head ]
Enough fussing. [ hilarious statement coming from tobari ] Is the date already over? And are you feeling okay enough to drive or do you want to keep walking around?
honestly, rafayel has no idea what's on tobari's mind, and it doesn't cross his to think anything is severely out of norm here. ... maybe it's sad that the sea god isn't actually a psychic. that said, ignorance can be bliss, and rafayel was already caught up in his emotions as is...
the crash out.............. the heat....
either way, she shakes his head. ] I can drive. But, don't you know? The date isn't over until I drop you off at home. It's a surface rule.
... [ he raises a brow at tobari briefly? like how do you know that?
oh, right. nvm. but, also still... how do you know that? that's not allowed anymore, even if rafayel is pretending to be knowledgeable here. still, he finds himself grinning just the tiniest bit at the idea that he's a first for tobari's anything.
so there's still that. ] And there'll be many more firsts from now on. [ a pause. ] Right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I've made peace with it.
no subject
Okay, whatever you say. [ the cat fit will be here by tomorrow, so no regrets.
that said, thinking about tomorrow does leave him feeling a little somber. while it might be unfair, he can't help but get a little sentimental when he thinks this could be their last date. he falls into a thought for a moment, before he shakes it off.
rafayel grabbed a spoon earlier, and he uses it to scoop up a mochi ball from tobari's ice cream and holds it up to his mouth. ]
Thanks for tonight. It isn't too early for me to say that, is it?
no subject
tobari's not a mindreader, but the sudden gratitude just gets him to tilt his head. he'll lean in to eat the mochi ball and take advantage of the time he needs to chew to measure his next words out ]
It doesn't have to be... though it's not an uncommon line from someone trying to split from the date early.
[ so he'll raise his brow at that, a silent question. he doesn't mind returning to Heterosexual Housemate Dynamics if this is already rafayel trying to cut and run? ]
no subject
... surprises him. he blinks a few times. tobari's intuition was not to be underestimated. when he looks at him so quietly like that, though... he takes a moment to swallow down the rest of his drink, before he shakes his head. ] You do remember that we're going home together, right? If you don't want this to end, then we can just continue it for as long as you want. [ outside, formal date to home date also sounded kind of fun... or taking a nice drive together.
but that does beg the question— when does it end... ]
no subject
I don't think that should be left up to me, Raf.
[ said with a but of humor. quite plainly—if he had his way, it'd go on a long while. this doesn't need to be something that they do just tonight, it could be something they do for always. he's made himself clear by now, hasn't he? so he leaves the door open and in rafayel's court. they can end it when he wants it... or they can also start it when he wants it. since technically they haven't even truly begun. ]
I'm on your signal, you know?
no subject
he seems to ponder it for a second before shaking his head. ] Is this supposed to be like a fairy tale then? When the clock strikes 12 is the magic all gone? [ he asks, even when he's a little scared of the answer. maybe that's why he moves to take their trash so he can shuffle away to the waste bin. ]
no subject
Even if that'd be convenient, I think magic will probably a little more stubborn in this case.
[ tobari doesn't think that whatever this is between them can disappear so easily... but they could always find another pair of horrible awful scissors and find out? ]
Why? Is that what you want?
no subject
But, that might just be selfish. As you can see, I don't have much experience with staying in one place. I've also never had someone stay by my side like this before. Since it's all new, I... [ he's not sure how to feel.
the uncertainty is a contrast to how he just admitted he didn't want tobari to distance himself. he isn't sure if he could handle just going back to how they were, but he also struggles to think of a future where he wouldn't think of her. ]
no subject
... you can be selfish.
[ he doesn't mind? he'll give rafayel's hand a light squeeze ]
Mm... I don't know if you want to talk about it now, or at least let the date wrap and we can talk about it in the morning. [ because they will, hilariously, still be living together ] But... I guess in general I think my sentiments boil down to the fact that I think you deserve to have someone who stays by your side. Just like this.
And— [ he pauses, weighing the words, trying to determine if he thinks it'd pressure rafayel too much ] ... Well, as long as you want them to.
[ he changed his mind... he'll swallow down his actual selfish sentiment because tobari can give that advice to others, but not quite manage it for himself.
"And I want that someone to be me." ]
no subject
it's so hard when your entire character is based off your devotion and love. smize... smile with your eyes, tobari. that said, it's nice to get some of the outside chill again. the ice cream warmed him up a little, sure, but he thinks being worked up probably contributed far more.
but, at tobari's "you can be selfish".. he can only sigh!!! STOP DOING THAT!!!
honestly, it's still a little weird for him— the idea of being thought of with such care. then again, he probably also hears similar words from talia who could only sound like a broken record at this point about "finding your anchor." he wonders if that had somehow ended up being tobari...
a topic he can't exactly broach yet. instead, he continues quietly... ]
Is that what they want? Because if I recall correctly, the only thing I wanted from them was to find their own happiness and to pursue their passions? [ ... is he a potential piece of that for him? could he be? ]
no subject
anyway his answer is easy, ]
Sometimes a person's passions often end up being focused on other people. [ platonically yes but also ] And happiness even moreso...
[ he's not shy enough to talk in hypotheticals so he'll speak directly ]
I'm not trying to stress you out, Raf. I'll be fine either way. [ tobari can handle being rejected? the thing that's just a little confusing is that rafayel also doesn't seem to be rejecting him? ] But there's no way I can be happy if you're miserable.
no subject
I'm not miserable. [ but, it clearly comes a bit faster than he intends, and he can't deny that it sounds insincere even to him. maybe because he instinctively knows it may be a lie. his perception of love was always in terms of pain. in some ways, even his art was all about reaching into that part of his soul that hasn't fully begun to heal. his paintings often depicted all his regrets, his shortcomings, his anger... his longing. so he might have been prepared for misery, yeah.
or he thought he was.
but, lately... he does consider that he may have been happier now than he had been in a long time. where companionship didn't feel nearly as burdensome as a concept as it once was to him, and showing his heart was made a bit more... simple. at least, in front of tobari.
it's why he regrets answering him in that way, and he's quick to shake it off. ]
I do think you're special to me. [ kills rafayel for being so confusing ]
no subject
as for his answer... well. it's not like tobari doesn't understand.
if asked if he was depressed, he'd also brush it off. even though he knows that there's a heaviness and listlessness to him here in linkon that didn't exist even over a month ago—back when the district was thriving and everyone who took care of him and he took care of was still alive. his own rate of healing was slow, but it's been made easier when he's put more of his attention on suzune... and now, rafayel. he's not offended by the near defensiveness, if anything it makes sense to him.
like rafayel's answer also makes sense to him. ]
... well, it'd be embarrassing if I misread things to that extent.
[ he does think that their bond stands out. something intimate, even if it's not yet defined as romantic or platonic. ]
But you can take your time. I'm not in a rush.
[ even if he does think he should head to the doctor soon to figure out how true this is... if he's only got a few months left, he might be in a little bit more of a rush? but only for an answer. it'd just be embarrassing to die in the middle of a situationship. talk about dramatic ]
no subject
it’s funny how neither of them are strangers to despondency. though, they’re both relatively resistant to displaying this part of themselves. just as in the past, perhaps it’s precisely because they could relate to one another, that they both weren’t in any particular rush to pry open one another’s old wounds. rafayel doesn’t doubt that tobari may always be plagued with thoughts of home, just as he would never forget lemuria…
however, recently he has been thinking, hypocritically, like talia had once told him— these places, these emotions, and the people in them would always be important, but… he would also think it’s nice if tobari could still find a way to move forward and find what brings him joy. to stay rooted here in this city alongside him…
that said, rafayel is still rafayel. ] I don’t know, I can see you being kind of delusional, yeah? [ ehehe it’s not a funny joke but he shakes his head. he knows tobari is smart enough to know what he doesn’t have the courage to put to spoken word. ]
Once we’re both stable, we can talk about it again. I won’t run or hide, [ well, they live together so it’d be pretty dumb to try. ] so let’s do this again sometime.
no subject
"Stable"... [ is a word he echoes, but he's not sure he fully believes in. rafayel says he won't run but the two of them could be pretty good at avoiding topics if they waned to...
even though there's admittedly the new added layer of this electric unspoken something whenever their hands brush or they stand too close to each other now. so perhaps that will disrupt things enough that it won't be possible to remain here? ]
Mm. [ a soft squeeze of rafayel's hand ] Whenever you want.
no subject
to be fair, this all feels like dangerous territory to him. his blossoming feelings, and the acute awareness to it all. he isn't sure if tobari is confident of returning to a time before they've went on this date, and before they knew each other's warmth like this— but, rafayel wasn't.
he was always the type to long for things that were already out of his grasp. but, if he were being completely truthful, he didn't want one of those things mourned to be this.
but, he is also serious about giving tobari time to really adapt. ] Hey, don't word it like that. I mean it. I think it's more for you. [ to get used to this place. he also squeezes back and for a moment he draws his hands towards his lips, and he just gently breathes on them, just enough to warm them. ]
Besides, you lived somewhere pretty different, so we should also get you checked out everywhere. [ tobari's trip to the dentist... but he also thinks... wasn't the air pressure different up there? honestly, this probably isn't the first time he's brought this up. ]
no subject
but he'll raise a brow slowly at the idea that this is for him, even as he lets rafayel have his hand to warm it. it's a strange sensation, one he hasn't been on the receiving end of since he was a kid trying to survive those cold temperatures in the abyss but... it isn't bad. ]
You don't need to be too considerate of me. [ he says, hypocritically ]
... but yeah. Now that Suzune's settled, I can get around to it. [ he's always more focused on other people than himself, but he supposes now he can find the opportunity... ] If you know a doctor or hospital to recommend me to, I'll get it taken care of.
[ a surprisingly easy agreement but like. okay. he knows he's dying. he figures he should probably tell rafayel at some point once he gets an idea of how bad it is. ]
no subject
[ he thinks tobari should spend less time taking responsibility for everyone else, and instead be using his newfound freedom more breezily, as intended. but, as much as he thinks it, he knows that tobari at his core... just wasn't like that.
but, even if that's the case, and even if rafayel accepts him for that— that didn't mean he wouldn't keep trying to change him. for all that tobari gives, he'd make sure he'd receive. it was as simple as that. ]
... You don't want me to come with you?
no subject
even if he can't deny that it feels... nice.
but he also thinks that rafayel being present for the x-ray that reveals that tobari's lungs are quite literally crystallizing and shortening his lifespan would be... bad! so.
he reaches up to poke rafayel in the center of his nose ]
I'm not a child that needs a chaperone everywhere I go. I can handle my own appointments and health. But I'll let you know how things go after, alright?
no subject
when he feels the poke, he does make a face. ] Hey... [ is that how you treat your free hand-warmer? that said, he does end up giving a nod of agreement. ] Okay. We'll do it your way. [ honestly, he hasn't gone to a doctor, outside of [redacted], so it's doctor zayne again... ]
Let me know too if there's anything I can do. Your health is the most important.
no subject
tobari just hums noncommittally at that, because he can't give an answer one way or another. is his health most important? hard to say. it shouldn't be since it's not doing well... he doesn't want rafayel to crash out... well!!!!!
that's not a date topic anymore though so he'll just tilt his head ]
Enough fussing. [ hilarious statement coming from tobari ] Is the date already over? And are you feeling okay enough to drive or do you want to keep walking around?
no subject
honestly, rafayel has no idea what's on tobari's mind, and it doesn't cross his to think anything is severely out of norm here. ... maybe it's sad that the sea god isn't actually a psychic. that said, ignorance can be bliss, and rafayel was already caught up in his emotions as is...
the crash out.............. the heat....
either way, she shakes his head. ] I can drive. But, don't you know? The date isn't over until I drop you off at home. It's a surface rule.
no subject
Is it... [ well, ] Mm, Itehari's not so different. Can't say I've ever returned to the same house as the person I was seeing though.
Guess there's a first time for everything.
[ what a strange set-up... ]
no subject
oh, right. nvm. but, also still... how do you know that? that's not allowed anymore, even if rafayel is pretending to be knowledgeable here. still, he finds himself grinning just the tiniest bit at the idea that he's a first for tobari's anything.
so there's still that. ] And there'll be many more firsts from now on. [ a pause. ] Right?
no subject
???? raises a brow back at rafayel? why does he keep doing this ]
Weren't you the one that said we'll talk about it later?
[ DOES HE MEAN FIRSTS (YOU VOICE) (PLATONIC) ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)