[ there's a lot he feels bad for. the lies he tells in tobari's presence, all the secrets he's continued to keep, and even forcing him to come here and mingle with these people. not that all of them are even guilty, but he can tell there's a certain distance tobari keeps from everyone else in this venue, and he just has a complicated feeling when he sees it.
tobari was kind and should be surrounded by only nice and happy things. yet, he knows even desiring that for him was a little unrealistic.
maybe even a little hypocritical.
sometimes he wonders if anyone should be capable of hiding their intentions like this. then again, he supposed it's just another thing people have to learn on the surface. to survive, one must speak the language of their enemies, even if that language was punctuated by cruelty and greed.
he looks back at the bottle of wine they take away with special care, before he focuses back on tobari. he gives a weak sort of smile, as he grips tobari's fingers just a little tighter. ] Did I lie? I didn't notice. [ he at least tries to pretend to keep up with their usual banter, but he's already walking down the great hall, and turning to look at one of the paintings on the wall. if tobari looks closely at it, he can also see there's a familiar sparkle of color to the painting, resembling scales. ]
[ tobari doesn't trust anyone until they've earned it—and his disdain for rich people runs that much deeper. he knows that he's been allowed into this space because he's rafayel's +1... but if any of them knew anything about his background, his work, or his passions, they'd just scoff. or worse, they'd offer condescending platitudes about his good heart without lifting a finger to offer any real help. as far as he's concerned, everyone in this place besides rafayel was an enemy until proven otherwise.
tobari watches rafayel watch the bottle—and then squeezes his hand back. he'll interlace their fingers together even as they walk around. ]
Oh? Maybe I'm just making things up then.
[ an idle statement that doesn't push... though he'll pause when the scale pattern catches his eye. his footsteps stop before he really notices, his brow automatically pinching. he's not sure what the cause of that is... but it's already putting a bad taste in his mouth. ]
[ sadly, it was a fact that rich people were often at the scene of the crime… being privileged wasn’t a sin, but he’d argue that very few evils matched up with what an influential man of wealth could often be capable of.
regardless, he does also try to put tobari at ease. he slides his fingers from their joined hands to his wrist, purposely tugging him closer towards him. he wonders if it takes his attention off of the venue, or even the painting on the wall that looms over them ominously. ] As you can see, the owner of this place really enjoys art and wine. Just like my teacher. [ it’s still ironic to him how he can call him that only when he’s… ]
Maybe it’s easy to trick someone when they’re so single-minded.
[ tobari lets himself be pulled closer—it's true that often times he was careful about pda, but what does he care what a bunch of rich assholes think about him? uncharitably, he assumes that enough of them just think of him as rafayel's empty-headed arm candy anyway. so he'll let his arms loop around rafayel's shoulders loosely, even as tobari looks up at him and searches his expression... he's not sure what he's looking for and yet he doesn't doubt for a second that there's something to find. answers, maybe.
what he says first is easy: ] Your teacher gave the world an awful lot. [ 'so much more than whatever this owner did' is what goes unsaid but is heavily implied. that teacher gave the world rafayel's own skill and what he could share with the world, such an important part of rafayel that tobari can't imagine him without it. ] I think that already makes him stand out.
[ . . . his hand comes up to cup rafayel's face, thumb brushing against the curve of his cheekbone ]
... Greed can be pretty blinding.
[ one of only five wines in the world, huh? a gift and a compliment for such an awful person. tobari does wonder how far rafayel will go—but he finds himself already jumping to the worst conclusion. how long before the body hits the floor? ]
[ he huffs a quiet, soft exhale. he presumes from the outside looking in, he could have just appeared momentarily tipsy. maybe some do perceive tobari that way, but maybe others are more occupied with the rumors of rafayel actually having anyone at his side at all. this will probably fuel a few rumors, but it would be better they focus on this than [redacted] in two weeks time.
he leans in, embracing him briefly before pulling back. he can hold back this much. ]
I'd say he'd be happy to hear that, but he really only cared about art. Sometimes I'm not sure if he listened to anyone... [ his teacher, that is. he says this, but there's an peculiar sense of fondness to it. one that's rare in rafayel's voice to most of the world, and yet tobari's probably heard it more times than he can count. still, he shakes his head a little. ] Yeah, as you probably guessed, my teacher didn't just go missing.
[ he looks back at the painting, and he shakes his head. ] Do you believe that people get what they deserve?
but tobari just welcomes the embrace, holding rafayel close for as long as he wants… and then keeping his hands on his shoulders even as he pulls back. something steadying.
the confirmation that his teacher didn’t just go missing makes something twist in tobari’s gut, a scowl escaping containment before he can think to stop it. he frowns when he follows rafayel’s gaze back to the painting and his brow furrows… ]
… no. Good people suffer and assholes persist.
[ there’s no way he can ever believe that there is real justice in the world, not when so many people suffer without cause. ]
that's normally how it goes. normally being the keyword. he's sure tobari already has an inkling of why he asked, or what this all inevitably shakes out to. the scales, the wine, their presence at this party. it's why he just nods at his words. ] I just hope the victims find peace. [ ... and if he could save or help other lemurians in a similar situation, he would a thousand times over.
he falls silent for a moment. he doesn't justify his actions because he isn't sure if "right" or "wrong" was really applicable. to him, they were just facts. cause and effect. revenge. even the words "divine retribution" just seemed so lofty and far removed from himself, even if he was the sea god.
a little quieter, he can't help but ask: ] Do you think I'm a bad person?
tobari's quiet for a long moment. rafayel's question is familiar, if only for the way that it haunts tobari too. it's the question he asks himself even when he watches estates burn ablaze. is this worth it? does this accomplish anything at all? are we just as bad as them?
and now every rich person who's died—sometimes they even have the same targets. it's so ironic that he'd laugh if he didn't think it was also so unimaginably cruel to rafayel. tobari's hand slips down to rafayel's heart and wonders what type of battering it's taken. if this has anything to do with the nights that he can't fall asleep. ]
... I think that no matter what I say, you'll have to find an answer within yourself. I can't absolve you of whatever it is that you're feeling.
[ but he'll lean up, pressing his lips to rafayel's just once. ]
But you're just as important to me as you were before we walked in here. We can talk about it more at home... but I'm not mad or afraid of you. You're still mine and I'm not letting you walk away from me.
[ that's not inaccurate. his own head is a hellish landscape that was riddled with guilt and resentment. for a long time, he wasn't able to move past these emotions. ... and the fact that he even started to was thanks to tobari. he taught him a life beyond just his sense of responsibility, or the burdens he carried. lemuria would always be important to him, but tobari showed him he was still entitled to live his own life.
maybe this is why his past works were so focused on his pain. he thought his feelings of hurt were the only things that could fuel his artistic desires. but, while he's learned that isn't true, he also knows there are mental blocks in which keep holding him back from moving on.
kind of like alden. would killing him finally free him? would it make right by his people?
it's ironic how they think similarly, and yet their approaches couldn't be anymore different. what's more amazing is... tobari's acceptance. to be honest, he would have understood if he needed more time. even now, rafayel isn't sure if he believes those words. but— he thinks i might be okay to try to trust them.
he also leans in, taking in the taste of his lips for a second time. but, this time, he lingers a little longer, before pulling away. ] Okay. [they'll talk, and maybe he can ask his own questions... ] For now, we should head back. They'll be doing the toast soon.
[ ... and right after that, he wants to make sure he takes the scales back.
but, he thinks he should have tobari wait for him for that. ]
[ tobari meets rafayel for that second kiss, willing to give him whatever he wants right now. he's wondering if this explains all the strange behavior, the idea that he might be become something unforgivable or monstrous. there's blood on his hands, tobari understands that now. it's true that at the end of the day, tobari is an embarrassingly bleeding heart that has trouble taking life on his own... but can he blame rafayel for it? knowing what he does now? what this alden asshole has cost him?
no. not at all. he's heard of people dying for far pettier, crueler reasons.
he sighs at the idea of heading back... but in the end, he just nods. he kisses rafayel one last time on the cheek, aiming for consoling, but then he'll return to just taking his arm so they can appear as a perfectly polite, genteel couple. and not a pair of criminals. ]
[ tobari's words were reassuring, sure, but the physical evidence of it probably surprises him a little more. the kiss he doesn't move away from, the lack of any signs of recoiling from under his touch. it felt more real to him than sentences and syllables, and it wasn't from any lack of trust in tobari. it was instinct. people could try and fight against their moral standing and even against their own internal fears, but it didn't mean every single person was really capable of it.
he wonders if this means tobari understands— really understands, or if he's just too deep in it now.
which, he can't lie, was also his hope.
when he kisses him one last time, he does manage a small nod in his direction. it's as if to say "i'm okay." ... and silently to admit that he's done this before, and he dons the same mask he always does in front of everyone else. the same placid smile, even as he raises his wine glass to alden's speech where he thanks "mr. rafayel" for offering such a wonderful wine for a special celebration. it's weird because he thought it would have felt more satisfying to lay down the trap, and yet...
he stares blankly at the glass in his fingers for a moment, before remembering the warmth of tobari next to him, and he leans into him just a little. ] Are you really going to follow me? [ he thinks it'd be less suspicious to go alone and come back, but... he also doesn't want to hide anything else from tobari. ]
[ maybe if tobari's life was more comfortable, kinder, less difficult—he'd have more issues accepting this. however, as is... even if it's something that rattles their relationship in some ways, it's not nearly enough for it to rattle his faith in rafayel. there's more for them to get into at home, but at least here? when rafayel needs the support and has brought him here to witness this all...? tobari has accepted his necessary position as someone whose entire role is to be steady.
so he watches rafayel switch easily back into his own role—the charming artist —and remains at his side even as they return for the toast. tobari's expression returns to his own politely distant demeanor, even though he might stare just a little too intently at alden whenever the other man isn't looking. there's something about knowing that another person is essentially a dead man walking.
but otherwise, he's practically docile if not for the fact that he remains at rafayel's side like a standoffish cat that looked at you like he's waiting for an excuse to scratch. he neglects his own glass to keep up the demeanor that he doesn't drink, instead letting his hands settle in the crook of rafayel's elbow. when the question comes, he lets his head rest against rafayel's shoulder, looking up at him with a curated, open expression. anyone glancing over wouldn't be able to hear their conversation, just the picture of a young couple fascinated with each other ]
If you don't want me there or if it'd be easier, I can cover for you.
But if you'll have me, I want to.
[ he doesn't want to leave rafayel alone at all anymore ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
tobari was kind and should be surrounded by only nice and happy things. yet, he knows even desiring that for him was a little unrealistic.
maybe even a little hypocritical.
sometimes he wonders if anyone should be capable of hiding their intentions like this. then again, he supposed it's just another thing people have to learn on the surface. to survive, one must speak the language of their enemies, even if that language was punctuated by cruelty and greed.
he looks back at the bottle of wine they take away with special care, before he focuses back on tobari. he gives a weak sort of smile, as he grips tobari's fingers just a little tighter. ] Did I lie? I didn't notice. [ he at least tries to pretend to keep up with their usual banter, but he's already walking down the great hall, and turning to look at one of the paintings on the wall. if tobari looks closely at it, he can also see there's a familiar sparkle of color to the painting, resembling scales. ]
no subject
tobari watches rafayel watch the bottle—and then squeezes his hand back. he'll interlace their fingers together even as they walk around. ]
Oh? Maybe I'm just making things up then.
[ an idle statement that doesn't push... though he'll pause when the scale pattern catches his eye. his footsteps stop before he really notices, his brow automatically pinching. he's not sure what the cause of that is... but it's already putting a bad taste in his mouth. ]
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regardless, he does also try to put tobari at ease. he slides his fingers from their joined hands to his wrist, purposely tugging him closer towards him. he wonders if it takes his attention off of the venue, or even the painting on the wall that looms over them ominously. ] As you can see, the owner of this place really enjoys art and wine. Just like my teacher. [ it’s still ironic to him how he can call him that only when he’s… ]
Maybe it’s easy to trick someone when they’re so single-minded.
no subject
what he says first is easy: ] Your teacher gave the world an awful lot. [ 'so much more than whatever this owner did' is what goes unsaid but is heavily implied. that teacher gave the world rafayel's own skill and what he could share with the world, such an important part of rafayel that tobari can't imagine him without it. ] I think that already makes him stand out.
[ . . . his hand comes up to cup rafayel's face, thumb brushing against the curve of his cheekbone ]
... Greed can be pretty blinding.
[ one of only five wines in the world, huh? a gift and a compliment for such an awful person. tobari does wonder how far rafayel will go—but he finds himself already jumping to the worst conclusion. how long before the body hits the floor? ]
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he leans in, embracing him briefly before pulling back. he can hold back this much. ]
I'd say he'd be happy to hear that, but he really only cared about art. Sometimes I'm not sure if he listened to anyone... [ his teacher, that is. he says this, but there's an peculiar sense of fondness to it. one that's rare in rafayel's voice to most of the world, and yet tobari's probably heard it more times than he can count. still, he shakes his head a little. ] Yeah, as you probably guessed, my teacher didn't just go missing.
[ he looks back at the painting, and he shakes his head. ] Do you believe that people get what they deserve?
no subject
but tobari just welcomes the embrace, holding rafayel close for as long as he wants… and then keeping his hands on his shoulders even as he pulls back. something steadying.
the confirmation that his teacher didn’t just go missing makes something twist in tobari’s gut, a scowl escaping containment before he can think to stop it. he frowns when he follows rafayel’s gaze back to the painting and his brow furrows… ]
… no. Good people suffer and assholes persist.
[ there’s no way he can ever believe that there is real justice in the world, not when so many people suffer without cause. ]
Even if I wish that wasn’t the case.
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that's normally how it goes. normally being the keyword. he's sure tobari already has an inkling of why he asked, or what this all inevitably shakes out to. the scales, the wine, their presence at this party. it's why he just nods at his words. ] I just hope the victims find peace. [ ... and if he could save or help other lemurians in a similar situation, he would a thousand times over.
he falls silent for a moment. he doesn't justify his actions because he isn't sure if "right" or "wrong" was really applicable. to him, they were just facts. cause and effect. revenge. even the words "divine retribution" just seemed so lofty and far removed from himself, even if he was the sea god.
a little quieter, he can't help but ask: ] Do you think I'm a bad person?
no subject
tobari's quiet for a long moment. rafayel's question is familiar, if only for the way that it haunts tobari too. it's the question he asks himself even when he watches estates burn ablaze. is this worth it? does this accomplish anything at all? are we just as bad as them?
and now every rich person who's died—sometimes they even have the same targets. it's so ironic that he'd laugh if he didn't think it was also so unimaginably cruel to rafayel. tobari's hand slips down to rafayel's heart and wonders what type of battering it's taken. if this has anything to do with the nights that he can't fall asleep. ]
... I think that no matter what I say, you'll have to find an answer within yourself. I can't absolve you of whatever it is that you're feeling.
[ but he'll lean up, pressing his lips to rafayel's just once. ]
But you're just as important to me as you were before we walked in here. We can talk about it more at home... but I'm not mad or afraid of you. You're still mine and I'm not letting you walk away from me.
no subject
maybe this is why his past works were so focused on his pain. he thought his feelings of hurt were the only things that could fuel his artistic desires. but, while he's learned that isn't true, he also knows there are mental blocks in which keep holding him back from moving on.
kind of like alden. would killing him finally free him? would it make right by his people?
it's ironic how they think similarly, and yet their approaches couldn't be anymore different. what's more amazing is... tobari's acceptance. to be honest, he would have understood if he needed more time. even now, rafayel isn't sure if he believes those words. but— he thinks i might be okay to try to trust them.
he also leans in, taking in the taste of his lips for a second time. but, this time, he lingers a little longer, before pulling away. ] Okay. [they'll talk, and maybe he can ask his own questions... ] For now, we should head back. They'll be doing the toast soon.
[ ... and right after that, he wants to make sure he takes the scales back.
but, he thinks he should have tobari wait for him for that. ]
no subject
no. not at all. he's heard of people dying for far pettier, crueler reasons.
he sighs at the idea of heading back... but in the end, he just nods. he kisses rafayel one last time on the cheek, aiming for consoling, but then he'll return to just taking his arm so they can appear as a perfectly polite, genteel couple. and not a pair of criminals. ]
Mm. Alright.
[ a small reminder: ] I'll go where you go.
no subject
he wonders if this means tobari understands— really understands, or if he's just too deep in it now.
which, he can't lie, was also his hope.
when he kisses him one last time, he does manage a small nod in his direction. it's as if to say "i'm okay." ... and silently to admit that he's done this before, and he dons the same mask he always does in front of everyone else. the same placid smile, even as he raises his wine glass to alden's speech where he thanks "mr. rafayel" for offering such a wonderful wine for a special celebration. it's weird because he thought it would have felt more satisfying to lay down the trap, and yet...
he stares blankly at the glass in his fingers for a moment, before remembering the warmth of tobari next to him, and he leans into him just a little. ] Are you really going to follow me? [ he thinks it'd be less suspicious to go alone and come back, but... he also doesn't want to hide anything else from tobari. ]
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so he watches rafayel switch easily back into his own role—the charming artist —and remains at his side even as they return for the toast. tobari's expression returns to his own politely distant demeanor, even though he might stare just a little too intently at alden whenever the other man isn't looking. there's something about knowing that another person is essentially a dead man walking.
but otherwise, he's practically docile if not for the fact that he remains at rafayel's side like a standoffish cat that looked at you like he's waiting for an excuse to scratch. he neglects his own glass to keep up the demeanor that he doesn't drink, instead letting his hands settle in the crook of rafayel's elbow. when the question comes, he lets his head rest against rafayel's shoulder, looking up at him with a curated, open expression. anyone glancing over wouldn't be able to hear their conversation, just the picture of a young couple fascinated with each other ]
If you don't want me there or if it'd be easier, I can cover for you.
But if you'll have me, I want to.
[ he doesn't want to leave rafayel alone at all anymore ]