[ sometimes, even when you're on death's doorstep, the instinct is to worry about other people. by now, tobari's walked right on past that threshold and has accepted his death, but it hasn't stopped him from being focused on others while he's here. some habits just die hard.
so he lets rafayel grab his hand back, he allows it. instead, he'll just take his hand in a firmer hold and say, ] If you want to go, we can go.
[ and then using that hold to tug rafayel lightly so they're not just standing here when more ice trauma can hit at any moment. ]
Blade wound's healed into a scar. My lungs are fine for the most part. Episodes are small and sporadic.
[ rafayel does allow the tug in turn and doesn't fight against it like he normally may have. he follows in step to tobari, letting him dictate the pace. ]
You never mentioned it. [ it's more of a comment than an accusation, or even a question. he gets the feeling like he knows why he wouldn't. but, it doesn't stop rafayel from saying it, either. ] Not that it would change anything, or what I think, but...
[ he wonders if this is why tobari said the words he did. ]
[ his pace is even, evidence enough of the fact that he's feeling better, he thinks. he's not very apologetic, because in the end he's actually a pretty private person. there's a lot that he's just never mentioned to people. he's accused of being a good liar, but it's mostly because he just doesn't share things so people never guess there's anything being hidden. ]
The lung issue is called the Hari Disease. I'm from a place called the Abyss, underneath the utopia of Itehari, where they cast all their undesirables aside. Hari Disease is common in the Abyss, and most people die from that, starvation, or murder. Makes your lungs start to collapse over time. No cure. It's no one's problem but mine.
[ so why bother people with it? ]
The fight is because people in Itehari are assholes. [ that's simpler ] Not all of them, but a lot of them.
[ oddly enough, he understands, and that's why it doesn't necessarily come off as coldly. or as distant. it seems just as logical as anything else. you know, amidst a conversation that seems to encompass several levels of what feels incomprehensible... what is itehari... ]
Even if it's no one's problem, it doesn't mean there aren't people who are willing to make it be theirs. [ but, rafayel tries to keep it vague enough like this isn't about him. ]
It's hard when in one breath you'll admit there's people who are willing to take on others problems, but in the next say people are assholes. [ there's a contradiction there that's hard to wrap his head around for a second even if ultimately... ] I agree, though.
I was only alive because I've been lucky enough to run across people who didn't want to see me die before. My luck probably just ran out.
See? It wasn't wrong. Buuut, I also don't remember using that language.
[ a joke. a weak one. if there's anyone who comprehends human cruelty and could exact punitive judgment on it... it's definitely rafayel. but, he at least plays with the concept that it isn't that deep for him. ]
But, you being here... what does that mean for you now?
You will. [ a pause, as he corrects himself. ] We all will.
[ they have to.
rafayel is in silent agreement on this point, before he ruminates over his next words. it's difficult since he doesn't know what tobari's future entails, nonetheless his own. but, still. ] Is there anything else you really wanted to do...?
[ so tobari will also do his part to make that as easy for people as possible. as for the question... he tilts his head ]
You make it sound so depressing... [ because it is depressing ] I guess I'd want to see a flower field. Or... Obikawa showed me the beach—but we got [ pauses ] distracted before I got to asking you to show me one that you knew. The ocean... I don't think I'd get tired of that.
[ his wishes are pretty mundane, but all pretty impossible when he's from a country in the sky so ]
[ he opens his mouth for a second, only to close it. if tobari was keen on not referring to it as "depressing," who was he to argue? even if he may just lift a brow in his direction.
that said, he does hum along with a quiet nod. ] Then we'll have to find you both of those places. Thooooough, isn't the second one kinda hard? I can't just bring you home? I mean, what would everyone think. [ jk,
it's because he really can't. save for their shared memories...
but, the ocean is one thing, and lemuria was another. ]
[ somehow, he manages to huff out a sound that could almost be a laugh. okay raf. ]
Not happening. I can't just run away with you either. [ it'd feel a little too much like running away from all his problems. he doesn't expect to return to life once he's done here, but... even if he got the offer to escape his shitty circumstances, he's not sure he'd take it. probably not. ]
But I'm not an unreasonable person who expects anyone to make my final wishes come true. I'm not unhappy with the extra time I've gotten.
[ are they still holding hands. i guess so. either way, tobari will just squeeze rafayel's reassuringly. he's content with this.
forces the maze to turn them around so they're going back to the ice anyway so i can get my lore memory :pleading_face: ]
[ unfortunately, he can kind of comprehend that. even in death, there are some things people don't just forfeit over. whether its their principles, their regrets, or something else entirely. he isn't sure what drives tobari at the end of the day, but he just hopes he achieves the peace he deserves.
these aren't words that come easily to rafayel, however. instead, he wears an almost indiscernible expression for a moment or two, before he also smiles. when he feels the squeeze, he almost forgets they're holding hands, and the sudden awareness makes him a little self-conscious. ] Then you can just consider me the unreasonable person who wants to make it happen, anyway?
[ or so he would like to say, but then a memory of his own plays out.
it begins with a beautiful scene of what appears to be intricate structures that lay beneath the ocean; it's full of light and colorful coral, seashells, and sea creatures as far as the eye can see. this is lemuria and on the day of the sea god's wedding ceremony. a ceremony in which the heart of his bride is given to him as a sacrifice; wherein this heart and deep devotion will act as a beacon beneath the sea. but, by the end of the scene...
there is no more lemuria, nor hint of any sea god or his bride. there's only darkness and the lingering cold of the deep sea.
perhaps, this is the real price of greed. of wanting his people's survival, but also desiring to be with the one he loves. ]
this isn't really the way that he wanted to see what was beneath the ocean waves. there is a part of him that's inherently enraptured by the memory nonetheless, at the idea of an entire civilization under the sea the same way that he's sure people have been shocked when he said that itehari's far above the clouds.
except this memory is another one that ends in a parting, even if it's different from tobari's own lost love. everything disappears into the dark. the civilization is gone. (he can't help but think of his own district, burnt to the ground, casualties insurmountable.) it's funny because rafayel already said it earlier. tobari never mentioned anything. neither did rafayel. maybe they're both a little prone to keeping things close to the chest.
even so, rafayel has been there for him every time, and so. even though this maze is a bitch that literally just led them back here, tobari will adjust their positioning so he's closer to the ice, letting rafayel avoid looking if he doesn't want to see anymore. and then he'll start to lead them away entirely. ]
... you don't need to discuss it if you don't want to. [ they're both private people! but the maze Does Things ] But if you don't want to carry it alone, I'll listen.
honestly, he's a bit shaken by seeing these memories.
normally these memories hit him in snippets whenever he closed his eyes to sleep and his brain was feeling particularly unforgiving. they're echoes of the past that play out like age-old film, not unlike the screams of his people which lace his every nightmare, and leave him soaked in sweat and feeling like he's drowning. ironic, if just because a lemurian couldn't possibly drown. even now his chest feels tight like it's hard to breathe. which is why he's grateful for tobari's efforts in repositioning him a distance away from it, even when he knows that physical distance couldn't exactly put up a metaphorical one too.
when tobari speaks, it does have a way of snapping him out of it, and he just blinks a few times before he shakes his head. ] No. [ he'll talk. ] Like you saw, I wasn't originally from here. I mean, the surface world. I'm not human.
[ his gaze falls back to the ground before it focuses back on tobari's face. does it make him seem more pathetic that he hasn't let go of his hand still? ]
I'm sure most people just think of us as monsters. But, even monsters have a home.
[ once they're a decent way away from the ice, he slows them down to a stop. no longer fleeing from the reminder of old traumas, but also apparently if they just keep walking they might circle back again? what the hell is up with that. but more than that, tobari's just occupied with... well, giving rafayel a chance to catch his breath.
when rafayel looks to him, tobari meets his gaze, even and unflinching. he hadn't really guessed this—maybe some people just really like the ocean and fish and relating themselves to seafood. maybe it's a cultural thing. he's never had an ocean he doesn't know—but it doesn't come as a huge surprise either. even if it makes him frown automatically, defensive on rafayel's behalf and the behalf of anyone else who's born somewhere the sun doesn't reach ]
As if humans aren't capable of acts twice as monstrous just because. It's fine to be whatever you are. It's not a sin to be born in different circumstances.
[ it's not like tobari's let go of rafayel's hand either. it's an automatic thing to let his thumb brush against the back of rafayel's in smooth, even strokes. an automatic, subconscious gesture with the intention to help soothe whatever nerves remain. ]
[ it's not false. tobari is 100% right, and rafayel can't help the almost self-deprecating huff that he lets out, as if finding humor in it. ] You're right. [ but, maybe he wishes they both weren't right about this. he isn't sure what's worse, the idea of having failed his people back then, or now...
he falls to silence for a moment, before shaking his head. ] Thanks, it was a beautiful place, yeah. [ that he's ruined, but he doesn't say that. ] Remember when I saw your memories before? Let's just say, this is why I could understand how you felt. It's hard to get over that feeling.
But, that's also why... Lemuria is supposed to be the most important thing to me.
[ but, as they can both see, it's clear he has something else just as important. whether it be the girl in his memories, the woman in his shard, or miss bodyguard who must be waiting for him back in linkon. ]
[ . . . 'supposed to be' really is the operative phrase here, isn't it? and again, it's not something that tobari fails to understand. in the very last dredges of time he had left, he dreamt up a future where he could run away with hinagiku. it's the closest he'd ever felt to abandoning the district he's dedicated so much of his life to. even still... ]
... you can't really help what your heart ends up wanting. I don't think we choose who we end up falling for. [ it's the least logical and responsible thing about him, but he's clearly failed to talk himself out of his own feelings so many times ] But I don't think that's inherently bad either. I'd rather live in a world where we accidentally love more than less.
[ even with its costs. he shakes his head slightly ]
I don't have any good advice or words to make things better. We're in similar enough boats—I tried to keep both and ended up with neither.
... but I think if it's not over for you, then you can find a future that's better than what I ended up with. Even if it's difficult to rebuild, or hard to find. I want to believe you'll succeed.
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no subject
so he lets rafayel grab his hand back, he allows it. instead, he'll just take his hand in a firmer hold and say, ] If you want to go, we can go.
[ and then using that hold to tug rafayel lightly so they're not just standing here when more ice trauma can hit at any moment. ]
Blade wound's healed into a scar. My lungs are fine for the most part. Episodes are small and sporadic.
no subject
You never mentioned it. [ it's more of a comment than an accusation, or even a question. he gets the feeling like he knows why he wouldn't. but, it doesn't stop rafayel from saying it, either. ] Not that it would change anything, or what I think, but...
[ he wonders if this is why tobari said the words he did. ]
no subject
[ his pace is even, evidence enough of the fact that he's feeling better, he thinks. he's not very apologetic, because in the end he's actually a pretty private person. there's a lot that he's just never mentioned to people. he's accused of being a good liar, but it's mostly because he just doesn't share things so people never guess there's anything being hidden. ]
The lung issue is called the Hari Disease. I'm from a place called the Abyss, underneath the utopia of Itehari, where they cast all their undesirables aside. Hari Disease is common in the Abyss, and most people die from that, starvation, or murder. Makes your lungs start to collapse over time. No cure. It's no one's problem but mine.
[ so why bother people with it? ]
The fight is because people in Itehari are assholes. [ that's simpler ] Not all of them, but a lot of them.
no subject
Even if it's no one's problem, it doesn't mean there aren't people who are willing to make it be theirs. [ but, rafayel tries to keep it vague enough like this isn't about him. ]
Sooo people just being people, then?
no subject
It's hard when in one breath you'll admit there's people who are willing to take on others problems, but in the next say people are assholes. [ there's a contradiction there that's hard to wrap his head around for a second even if ultimately... ] I agree, though.
I was only alive because I've been lucky enough to run across people who didn't want to see me die before. My luck probably just ran out.
no subject
[ a joke. a weak one. if there's anyone who comprehends human cruelty and could exact punitive judgment on it... it's definitely rafayel. but, he at least plays with the concept that it isn't that deep for him. ]
But, you being here... what does that mean for you now?
no subject
[ a little idly. ]
My sister's in my shard. [ information he doesn't mind volunteering ] So I'm gonna go get her no matter what.
After that?
[ ... he shrugs. the big unknown. who can really say what comes after death? ]
no subject
[ they have to.
rafayel is in silent agreement on this point, before he ruminates over his next words. it's difficult since he doesn't know what tobari's future entails, nonetheless his own. but, still. ] Is there anything else you really wanted to do...?
no subject
Ah. We all have people we want to see again.
[ so tobari will also do his part to make that as easy for people as possible. as for the question... he tilts his head ]
You make it sound so depressing... [ because it is depressing ] I guess I'd want to see a flower field. Or... Obikawa showed me the beach—but we got [ pauses ] distracted before I got to asking you to show me one that you knew. The ocean... I don't think I'd get tired of that.
[ his wishes are pretty mundane, but all pretty impossible when he's from a country in the sky so ]
no subject
that said, he does hum along with a quiet nod. ] Then we'll have to find you both of those places. Thooooough, isn't the second one kinda hard? I can't just bring you home? I mean, what would everyone think. [ jk,
it's because he really can't. save for their shared memories...
but, the ocean is one thing, and lemuria was another. ]
no subject
Not happening. I can't just run away with you either. [ it'd feel a little too much like running away from all his problems. he doesn't expect to return to life once he's done here, but... even if he got the offer to escape his shitty circumstances, he's not sure he'd take it. probably not. ]
But I'm not an unreasonable person who expects anyone to make my final wishes come true. I'm not unhappy with the extra time I've gotten.
[ are they still holding hands. i guess so. either way, tobari will just squeeze rafayel's reassuringly. he's content with this.
forces the maze to turn them around so they're going back to the ice anyway so i can get my lore memory :pleading_face: ]
no subject
these aren't words that come easily to rafayel, however. instead, he wears an almost indiscernible expression for a moment or two, before he also smiles. when he feels the squeeze, he almost forgets they're holding hands, and the sudden awareness makes him a little self-conscious. ] Then you can just consider me the unreasonable person who wants to make it happen, anyway?
[ or so he would like to say, but then a memory of his own plays out.
it begins with a beautiful scene of what appears to be intricate structures that lay beneath the ocean; it's full of light and colorful coral, seashells, and sea creatures as far as the eye can see. this is lemuria and on the day of the sea god's wedding ceremony. a ceremony in which the heart of his bride is given to him as a sacrifice; wherein this heart and deep devotion will act as a beacon beneath the sea. but, by the end of the scene...
there is no more lemuria, nor hint of any sea god or his bride. there's only darkness and the lingering cold of the deep sea.
perhaps, this is the real price of greed. of wanting his people's survival, but also desiring to be with the one he loves. ]
no subject
this isn't really the way that he wanted to see what was beneath the ocean waves. there is a part of him that's inherently enraptured by the memory nonetheless, at the idea of an entire civilization under the sea the same way that he's sure people have been shocked when he said that itehari's far above the clouds.
except this memory is another one that ends in a parting, even if it's different from tobari's own lost love. everything disappears into the dark. the civilization is gone. (he can't help but think of his own district, burnt to the ground, casualties insurmountable.) it's funny because rafayel already said it earlier. tobari never mentioned anything. neither did rafayel. maybe they're both a little prone to keeping things close to the chest.
even so, rafayel has been there for him every time, and so. even though this maze is a bitch that literally just led them back here, tobari will adjust their positioning so he's closer to the ice, letting rafayel avoid looking if he doesn't want to see anymore. and then he'll start to lead them away entirely. ]
... you don't need to discuss it if you don't want to. [ they're both private people! but the maze Does Things ] But if you don't want to carry it alone, I'll listen.
no subject
honestly, he's a bit shaken by seeing these memories.
normally these memories hit him in snippets whenever he closed his eyes to sleep and his brain was feeling particularly unforgiving. they're echoes of the past that play out like age-old film, not unlike the screams of his people which lace his every nightmare, and leave him soaked in sweat and feeling like he's drowning. ironic, if just because a lemurian couldn't possibly drown. even now his chest feels tight like it's hard to breathe. which is why he's grateful for tobari's efforts in repositioning him a distance away from it, even when he knows that physical distance couldn't exactly put up a metaphorical one too.
when tobari speaks, it does have a way of snapping him out of it, and he just blinks a few times before he shakes his head. ] No. [ he'll talk. ] Like you saw, I wasn't originally from here. I mean, the surface world. I'm not human.
[ his gaze falls back to the ground before it focuses back on tobari's face. does it make him seem more pathetic that he hasn't let go of his hand still? ]
I'm sure most people just think of us as monsters. But, even monsters have a home.
[ ... just not anymore. ]
no subject
when rafayel looks to him, tobari meets his gaze, even and unflinching. he hadn't really guessed this—maybe some people just really like the ocean and fish and relating themselves to seafood. maybe it's a cultural thing. he's never had an ocean he doesn't know—but it doesn't come as a huge surprise either. even if it makes him frown automatically, defensive on rafayel's behalf and the behalf of anyone else who's born somewhere the sun doesn't reach ]
As if humans aren't capable of acts twice as monstrous just because. It's fine to be whatever you are. It's not a sin to be born in different circumstances.
[ it's not like tobari's let go of rafayel's hand either. it's an automatic thing to let his thumb brush against the back of rafayel's in smooth, even strokes. an automatic, subconscious gesture with the intention to help soothe whatever nerves remain. ]
... it looked beautiful. Your home.
no subject
he falls to silence for a moment, before shaking his head. ] Thanks, it was a beautiful place, yeah. [ that he's ruined, but he doesn't say that. ] Remember when I saw your memories before? Let's just say, this is why I could understand how you felt. It's hard to get over that feeling.
But, that's also why... Lemuria is supposed to be the most important thing to me.
[ but, as they can both see, it's clear he has something else just as important. whether it be the girl in his memories, the woman in his shard, or miss bodyguard who must be waiting for him back in linkon. ]
no subject
... you can't really help what your heart ends up wanting. I don't think we choose who we end up falling for. [ it's the least logical and responsible thing about him, but he's clearly failed to talk himself out of his own feelings so many times ] But I don't think that's inherently bad either. I'd rather live in a world where we accidentally love more than less.
[ even with its costs. he shakes his head slightly ]
I don't have any good advice or words to make things better. We're in similar enough boats—I tried to keep both and ended up with neither.
... but I think if it's not over for you, then you can find a future that's better than what I ended up with. Even if it's difficult to rebuild, or hard to find. I want to believe you'll succeed.