glub | ( 🍓🧀 )

You can call it a hellhole.

[ plainly. rafayel didn’t even see the worst of it and tobari isn’t going to illuminate him on it just yet. ]

… was it quick? Suzune’s done better, I think. [ tobari has been restless but now he can figure out what he’ll do, even if it means going into the city and then coming back. he will endure the commute. if anything he likes being outside. ] What was it like for you?

[ given that he’s not sure if rafayel had some hot rich benefactor the way these siblings do ]

It's the place where you were born.

[ he can at least respect that.

maybe it's a very godlike thing for him to consider that, but he can't help it. regardless of what itehari may be like, rafayel might always find beauty in the idea that it's where tobari and suzune come from. ]

I think so. [ ... ] I wasn't completely alone. Though, I guess it depends on which time. I told you, at first, I lived somewhere else with my butler and mentor. [ did he tell him this? maybe not. ] And then, I came to Linkon alone. I wouldn't say it's hard, but it was the first time I realized I had no one in this world I could rely on, or call up in a pinch.

[ but, he smiles a little as if to try and mitigate how sad that could sound on paper. ]

[ the place he was born was a hellhole... but kind people were there. so he understands rafayel's sentiment enough that he doesn't argue. tobari has no fondness for itehari itself, with all its strict hierarchy and apathy, but he worked so hard for the sake of everyone who ever gave him the time of day when they didn't have to.

so hearing that rafayel eventually came to linkon without knowing a single soul and not having anyone to help lend him that hand makes tobari frown. ]

... your butler and mentor couldn't come with? Or?

[ why make the migration by himself? ]

It seems like you made it... but I don't think it'd be wrong to say that it sounds difficult. Taking things on yourself.

My butler was pretty old, you know. I'm sure just the move would have been a lot on him. Besides, I'd say he needed the break. [ for better or worse, lemurians weren't meant to be in public eye for very long, especially considering the aftermath of why he moved.

but, he doesn't delve too deeply into that. ] As for my mentor. He was a bit of a free spirit to begin with. I'm sure he's off in his own little utopia. [ nothing in his expression suggests he's broken up or sad about this, or that it's even ominous.

he keeps his voice purposely light. ] A little, but I think I figured it out.

[ . . . hmm. there really is still so much about rafayel that tobari doesn't know—but fair enough. there's also plenty that tobari hasn't divulged himself. still, he listens and commits it all to memory. ]

... it seems like you have. [ idly, because rafayel has managed to earn his own income and has a stable lifestyle. even though tobari also wonders how lonely it must be, given that he lived on this island by himself before he and suzune came by.

but, ]

You don't have to figure it all out by yourself anymore, though. If you ever need someone, that's what I'll be here for.

[ plainly. trust takes a while to earn—but tobari is determined to get at least this right. ]

[ he gives a small nod of acknowledgment. it's kind of nice to hear someone validate the way he's lived, even if he hasn't even scraped the surface of it. not unlike the ways in which they've gotten to know one another prior to their arrival and return here— he feels a certain closeness and connection with tobari. in the past few months, he wouldn't say that the feeling waned, but that they were mostly preoccupied, and maybe rafayel was constantly in a state of preparing to say goodbye.

it's why, he can't help but feel like this is a weird turning point in his own mind. ]

Thanks. [ the idea that tobari wants to understand him, accept him, and stay at his side is... well, who wouldn't feel affection for someone like that? even now, that feeling settles somewhere in his chest, and it's almost uncomfortable. ]

I know you're not exactly the type who goes out looking for help, but you shouldn't forget there are also people who are on standby, waiting for Mister Jailbreak to call them? Mostly me, but? [ he's kidding. his aunt or thomas were also there... ]

[ it's funny because the way that raf is feeling about tobari is what got tobari to fall for hinagiku in the first place

but it's not wrong—tobari has focused on being a big brother for the past few months, to the point that he and suzune probably had some actual sibling spat away from the house about him being a bit too much. it's a lot for him to endure - knowing that his sister has a second chance and she has to go out there and live it... and there's no way for him to ever truly protect her from everything again. whatever rare instances of fear he experiences is never for himself, only for the people he loves.

.... but he still hears the offer for what it is. tobari has adapted less well than suzune, but that's probably all the trauma he's refused to unpack talking. ]

... believe it or not, I used to delegate. Had people I relied on. [ maybe not as much as he could've, but he was restricted to the limits of his role in itehari. exceptions granted only to the delegate and no one else. even still, ] ... I wouldn't say that it worked out too well for me last time.

[ rafayel saw the aftermath of it—the way that the district burnt down and the same people that tobari gave everything for blamed him for all its ruin. a reasonable person would probably be more closed off or take more time to recover. fortunately, there are some ways in which tobari is an idiot so he'll meet raf's eyes and offer a smile—small but sincere. ]

But I can try again.

[ with you. ]

[ STOP!! we can't soil hinagiku like this

good thing that doctor zayne can also offer therapy (alleged).

he doesn't blame tobari for having his reservations. coming to a new land was daunting. all the more with the knowledge they have of humanity and its tendency to veer on the side of cruelty; operating entirely on feeding their greed and egos. this only seems further punctuated by the fact that, despite tobari's hardened exterior, there's a deep, inextinguishable kindness that exists within him. ... and if there's one thing he knows, it's that goodwill was often easy to exploit.

so he doesn't blame tobari for safeguarding his sister, or his own heart.

but, funny enough, maybe this is also what attracts rafayel to tobari. he also knows of a certain hunter who also can't help but to stick her neck out for others. who makes sacrifices so others doesn't, and maybe he has a soft spot for that kind of thing.

... and well, tobari's been through a lot, and so rafayel also tries not to push him. half of him expects to just be brushed off, but what he gets in return is a little different. ] You... [ a sigh. ] This is why I worry about you... [ but, he feels like this moment might linger in his head for a long time. ]

I'll make sure you get nice and settled for real this time.

[ tobari pretends that he’s so tough and jaded—in some cases, he is. nobility and rich people put a horrible taste in his mouth, making him more hostile to them by default. despite this… he is so alarmingly naive.

plenty of people have commented on this before, the way that tobari always wants to believe in people. some part of him is still reticent after everything that happened but… after rafayel forced that elixir down his throat, how could tobari even begin to doubt him?

hence why he shakes his head. ]

I’m alright. I mean it. [ a beat ] I haven’t heard anything that’s made me want to knock someone’s lights out or seen any situations where I’ve had to watch people suffer. It really is a lot better than we’ve ever had it.

… and I think I’m the one getting in my own way about it. It’s hard not to feel guilty.

But that’s on me. Not you.

That's because I haven't taken you out enough, maybe? [ a joke.

it's probably not funny, though. so he does end up clearing his throat a little. ] If that's the case, I'm relieved. I already feel bad taking you away from... [ everything, including having to leave the love of his life behind. or, sometimes, aren't dreams valuable because they're framed in the specific context of what your life was?

maybe he's overthinking it. he shakes it off. ]

You sure you won't go back to blaming me like before?

[ it was like one night and a few days of silence, but it counts, right? ]

… I was angry with you because we didn’t know if I could save Suzune then. [ and separating them would’ve made tobari angriest. he would force suzune to live without him but he would be livid to be forced into the same fate ] But she’s clearly fine, so…

I’ve long since forgiven you.

[ it’s turned into a different feeling. one that feels like it’s tied them together in a way that’s… well, unbreakable. like tobari couldn’t regain any distance if he tried. ]

… I only ever told one person before but I…

[ thank god there’s no emotionshare because his guilt would just end up blasting everywhere ]

… I’d always wanted to see the surface. I wanted to leave Itehari and everything else behind. I never did, because it’s where the people I cared about lived and I wanted to make things better for them.

But you don’t have to feel like you stole me away from anything. In the end, I know I’m the selfish one.

[ even now, with some time to act as distance from the initial situation, rafayel still feels no inkling of remorse. if they returned to that time, he'd likely commit to the act again and again. it's why he's silent when tobari brings it up... not because he doubts the forgiveness tobari speaks of, but that maybe he feels guiltier knowing his own stance on the matter, and the fact that it'll never change.

but, his words are reminder to all he's seen of tobari's memories.

of all he sees in the possibilities and hopes that tobari may have clung to. just like their conversation in purgatory, rafayel doubts that feeling of guilt will ever completely go away. they were sinners to their own whims and selfishness. as much as they lay judgment on others, they also had desires...

the difference, however— ] Your intentions of wanting to do better and have everyone live a little easier aren't wasted. You might carry that burden with you forever, but you also deserve to see the world you wanted.

[ he reaches over and grabs hold of tobari's hand. ] You grasped it with your own hands.

[ ... ] Besides, I get the feeling you'll still do good for the people around you in your own way.

[ he's not sure if that's any consolation, or if that makes up for it. probably not.

but, the past was the past. they couldn't change that, but maybe they could still try and change fate itself for the future? ]

[ when you love something so much—whether it be a place, a people, or even just a specific person—every other feeling that follows is just as big. tobari will call itehari a hellhole because it was... but there were still parts of it he loved so intensely that it threatened to burn him up from the inside. in some ways, maybe it did. it would explain why even now, months later, some parts of his emotional landscape feel like scorched earth.

his fingers tangle and weave against rafayel's anyway.

tobari doesn't love hinagiku anymore. the memory of the love remains—that girl who stayed by his side, who reassured him and was gentle even when everything else was a storm. he's not an idiot. he knows that these moments with rafayel still feel so eerily similar to that.

the difference is that every time tobari entertains the idea of letting go, rafayel looks so sad about it that tobari ends up holding on that much tighter. ]

... I think you're the one who gave this chance to me. [ and they've gone over it plenty of times and probably will continue to go over it again—rafayel doesn't want thanks or gratitude or debts, no matter what tobari feels about it ] So I'll just say it makes sense for me to spend this time with you.

[ he shakes his head slightly ]

I'll just try to do something worthwhile with the opportunity I've been given.

[ why is it so funny that rafayel just has no idea this happened

but, it's true. no matter how many times rafayel had prepared for their parting, when it actually came down to it... maybe his emotions were more transparent than he thought. maybe years of apathy and simply floating by didn't really mean anything in moments like these.

the way their fingers interlock makes him feel a bit warmer. a little more self-conscious, but in spite of those feelings, he remains fixed in place. hand-in-hand. ] Good, that's all you have to do. [ he nods along with his own words. ] I'd offer headpats, but you don't really like them.

Guess I'll have to get creative with you living here. [ permanently this time. ]

[ tobari is so prone to just not volunteering important information even if he likes you it is so fucking funny. why do they both do this.

tobari glances down briefly at their intertwined fingers and contemplates the merits of actually addressing their relationship whatever it is and also bringing up the fact that suzune has been hounding him on the side asking him why he's making mister rafayel wait because they never cleared up that misconception—

just kidding he decides in 0.2 seconds to be a problem on a whim ]

If you're looking for an excuse to touch me, I'm sure you can come up with something better.

[ anyway ]

I'm getting tired of being a freeloader though. Don't get too lonely if I head into the city to find some work.

[ moves on like he didn't say anything.... and he literally just self-assigns himself a job when he doesn't need one... workaholics are so insane why do they do that ]

[ to be honest, rafayel was already beginning to feel uncomfortably aware of tobari. maybe it's the fact that this honest conversation was overdue, or that he was already feeling a little emotional... but, the joining of their fingers felt far more intimate than would be appropriate of what he perceived to be their relationship. then again, he thinks that, but he isn't sure how that could be defined. at his core, his own heart and his bond hasn't changed, but at the same time...

it didn't mean he could erase away all the other emotions he feels.

even now when tobari speaks, he feels his ears grow a little hot, and he pulls back his fingers just slightly. ]

... You act like I'm a shelter dog? [ hello? ] Even I can handle one little birdie leaving the nest. [ he says as a joke, but his mind keeps going back to what tobari said from before. it runs through his mind a few more times, and he can't deny it makes him feel kinda crazy?

boldly, he places his other hand on tobari's cheek. he stares into his eyes for a moment, before he just releases a small exhale. that is, before pinching his cheek. revenge. you don't say those kinds of words to just anyone, okay!! ]

[ if tobari's the stray cat and rafayel is the shelter dog then who is flying the plane?

regardless, he's about to respond to that—but it feels like someone was taking up his little taunt from earlier? when raf's hand comes out to tobari's cheek, he doesn't flinch away—rather, he tilts his head just enough to lean into the touch for just a second. until the pinch comes.

a briefly annoyed look crosses his face before he rolls his eyes, free hand coming up to catch rafayel's hand by the wrist and pull it just a little bit away from his face. ]

Close, but not quite.

[ it's probably crossing a line when tobari retaliates in his own way, nipping just lightly on the delicate skin of rafayel's inner wrist, right over where his pulse would be. though just in case that's too much—even if it's intentionally too much—his grip loosens enough for rafayel to reclaim his hand easily. ]

I wouldn't play games like that with a guy like me.

[ someone prone to escalation ]

[ caleb?

the way he leaned his face into his palm was kind of cute. though, he barely gets to feel like he's ( singles inferno voice ) conquered anything, really, especially not when tobari has other plans. he sucks in a bit of air through his teeth as he deliberates on playing up the pain.

but, before he could really settle on one idea over another, tobari is already... gone.

what the hell...

rafayel gives that look like he's been abandoned? betrayed? how does that make you feel, tobari... he does end up letting his hand remain in tobari's hold. maybe they were both kind of prisoners to whatever this was... ] That's not very adult-like of you. [ ... ]

Besides, you can front, but to be you're just Tobari, so I'll have to take my chances.

[ fair enough

help me though. not the abandoned and betrayed look. the fact of the matter is that it makes tobari fEEL GUILTY AND LIKE HE SHOULD KEEP FLIRTING—but also he has barely just enough sense to know better. it's a very near thing, though. unlike how he felt with hinagiku, he has less structural boundaries to making his intentions clear here... even though he also knows it's not exactly simple for rafayel either. out of respect for whatever he's feeling, for what tobari has already seen in his memories and not-quite-memories, tobari figures he can make himself a little clearer. ]

... ah, that's true. If it's you, I wouldn't really be playing.

[ to try to soothe some of that sense of betrayal, he'll turn raf's hand over in his hold again. the press of his lips against that same spot he nipped is featherlight, but gentle. even still, he holds raf's gaze through the brief interaction.

even when he pulls back, he lets his thumb rest over the spot as if searching out the rhythm of raf's pulse. somewhere between curious and greedy to know if he could get his heart to beat a little faster. ]

I do have eyes, though. So if there's something else distracting you... it's not like I'm going anywhere. Guess I can be patient just this once.

[ as clear as he can care to make it—whatever raf's relationship with his miss bodyguard is, tobari will acknowledge it. even if he will probably continue to push his own luck wherever he can find a chance. ]

But I'll be ready to cherish you whenever you want, Raf.

[ liiiiiike now ]

[ WHY IS YOUR GUT REACTION TO FLIRT WHEN SOMEONE LOOKS SAD!!!!

honestly, that possibility doesn't even cross rafayel's mind. despite being well-versed in the emotional undertakings of humans and the surface world, it didn't mean he was a mind-reader. all the more when it came to tobari. or more accuraltely, it isn't that he can't read how tobari feels as much as he felt that he shouldn't. not unlike the intrinsic fear people feel when wading into unknown waters and propelling themselves further in its depths— he felt scared to explore those feelings. his feelings.

there's a warning on the tip of rafayel's tongue. maybe it's to chastise him from saying something he might regret, or to scold himself for fanning the flames of his own desires. desires that should have been extinguished from the moment he striped tobari of his freedom of choice, and yet that couldn't be further from what actually happened.

he blinks a few times at tobari's words, if just because it mimicked his own. he also thought he would monitor her from a careful distance. he thought his own emotions could have settled, if she was just happy. but, maybe that's not true. ... and maybe it's also not true that he's satisfied with whatever this is.

after all, just the thought of tobari actually leaving him was...

and now he can't stop thinking about it. ] Are you actually kind of an idiot? [ lol. who said this? ] What if you're kept waiting, like... forever? You shouldn't promise things you can't keep. I mean, [ he looks back at tobari, and he can't help but feel a little emotional when he sees how sincere he looks. or how soft his features seem. he also can't help the way he looks briefly at his lips, before turning his head away. ]

What if I believe you?

[ it's the worst thing about him............. ly is so right in being a tobari hater

tobari won't say that he'd wait forever. he can't. he doesn't have that kind of time. however, what he can say without hesitation is, ]

You can believe me. Where would I even go? You just threatened me that I'm not allowed to change my mind and leave.

[ he wouldn't have, anyway, but it is a little funny that rafayel just straight up said he can't. what was the endgame for that going to be? heterosexual housemates forever? right. sure.

there is still the slightest inclination he has to intentionally make himself a problem. rafayel baits him on purpose often—but now, his hesitation and clearly torn feelings almost feel unintentionally tempting. tobari wants to know just how close he is to giving in. it feels like such a near thing. maybe with just one more little nudge, a pull closer, an almost kiss—

... he doesn't think this is a battle he wants to win based on seduction, though. if he's going to encourage rafayel to make this type of choice, it should be done with intention. and maybe, just maybe, tobari is aware of himself enough to know that he wouldn't want something so important to be done on a whim. if this is going to mean something, it might as well be done properly. ]

But if you're still feeling doubtful, how about a date? You can call it off whenever you want or decide you hate it. Just probably don't stand me up since we'll be living together.

[ that'd be hilariously awkward. tobari wouldn't put it past raf to try to lock him out of the house ]

[ there will be no tobari slander on my watch ]

A threat? Now you're exaggerating.

[ imagine heterosexual housemates au... i was going to say this was them, but this was never them. the tension is palpable. even when rafayel's attempted to put a careful, appropriate amount of distance between the two of them, he knows all it takes is a brief touch, or a light conversation to bring him back to square one. as alluring as having someone's devotion is— it's scary to know you often give as much as you take.

they say each sea god receives their sacrifice, but occasionally he wonders if he's actually the one shackled. kind of like now. he feels like he's being ensnared in a trap, and yet the offer is too sweet for him to walk away from. ... and he could never reject sincerity like this. ]

A date, huh? Yeah, I can do that. [ he tries to sound casual, despite the fact that his heart is beating rapid again, and he can feel a bit of heat under his skin. ] Am I leaving it to you to plan? I'm kind of interested in your [ ( singles inferno voice ) ] dating style.

[ bijou please wake up we miss you in reality

NOT THE SINGLES INFERNO also the way that tobari just looks so thoughtful about this... ]

... I think if I'm too serious about it, you'll get too nervous? [ the way he's trying to be considerate but ] It's best not to forget where I come from and who I was taught by.

[ the fact of the matter is that tobari is hilariously confident in being a good date. sometimes you were raised in an environment where they're known for selling love and sex to put food on the table. ]

But I can still put together something simple. It'll still be good, but I'd rather not overwhelm you.

[ I AM IN REALITY!!!! THIS IS REAL!!!!! ]

Too nervous? Puh-lease. [ actually,

tobari might have a point. but, rafayel still puts emphasis behind the fact that he isn't one to back down from a challenge (this is a date). regardless, his pride stands. this is especially the case in knowing tobari's background. it's not that he's judgmental as much as he... is a little envious of those who got to know him in such an intimate way before he even walked into his life.

of people who got close to tobari in a capacity that maybe he won't be able to touch. but, at the same time, of comprehending all that he's left behind. he knows he can't begin to fill that gap and tobari's gratitude towards them likely remains unchanged, but...

he shakes it off. ] Do you see me as the type who gets overwhelmed? I'm not fragile, you know. [ he's said this before in purgatory, and he'll still say it now. ] I'll match your pace for one day.

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