glub | ( 🍓🧀 )

Not even I've seen all of it, you know. [ mostly because he isn't very fond of flying. he liked having his feet firmly planted on something, which might be weird coming from a fish, but it's a fact nonetheless. that said— ]

But, that doesn't mean we can't start. I actually have a whole book filled with notes of places I've visited. Photos I've taken. I guess we can start from choosing a place in there first? [ HELP ME... everyone else listening like that kermit meme... ]

[ huh...

tobari can't help but be interested—since he was young, he'd wanted to see everything the surface had to offer, even when it was taboo and everyone said that the surface was worse than itehari itself. the idea of getting to travel and see more parts of it, the same way that he'd seen so much here in purgatory that he'd never encountered before, is... a little thrilling.

he's never really let himself want these types of things before. and yet... ]

... I'm not sure what to do with the fact that you're making more than one of my dreams come true.

[ honestly, ]

But sure. I'd like that.

[ tobari’s words gets a soft chuckle out of him. it wasn’t necessarily out of taking his words lightly as much as he genuinely respected tobari’s desire to see the world, regardless of the one he came from. without fear or reservation— emotions most people felt in the face of the unknown.

though, he doesn’t necessarily see himself as someone who is making tobari’s wishes come true as opposed to operating purely from his own wants. it reminds him of their shared moment at the party and…

he brushes it off. ] Perfect, then as soon as we get back we’ll figure out. With Suzune.

Oh, but try not feel too bad if you’re left out.

[ maybe one of these days, tobari will understand what it means to feel fear. for right now, there is only the odd feeling of excitement for the new life waiting ahead that settles in his chest... sitting awkwardly next to a guilt that he's not quite able to shake.

he's not sure if he ever truly will be rid of it—but it's easier to focus on rafayel's own weaving of the future for now. ]

I'm resigned to it. [ being left out. suzune would absolutely vastly prefer to spend time with rafayel and he can already imagine it. though he will spare a glance over his shoulder to where the eurydice are all sleeping closer to the base of the tree ] ... do you want to see her?

Or I guess we have until the hourglass is out for you to meet her properly.

[ at the very least, tobari isn't that worried about his progress in purgatory's trials. ]

[ he isn’t sure if he shares the same confidence in the trials.

not from any lack of effort on his part, but more so in a way where he doesn’t feel like anything is truly guaranteed. for the longest time he’s only thought of endings as opposed to the journey. maybe because loss and the feeling of injustice felt more natural to him. it’s why rafayel wonders if he can truly promise all of this to someone else when he doesn’t even know what time and space has in store for his own fate. but maybe it’s having someone else rely on him that also makes him feel… reinvigorated? like he wants to keep moving forward.

not that rafayel would ever forfeit by choice, but he’s comforted by the reassurance of not being alone for once.

maybe it’s him who should feel grateful for that.

which is why he does give a nod. ] Yeah, I’ll see her. But, before that… [ he should probably take care of the person in his shard, right? but he doesn’t know why he feels weird about saying that in front of tobari. ]

[ . . . ?

it takes tobari a second to realize the end of that sentence, mostly because he’s not sure why rafayel trails off. ]

The woman you love, right?

[ he will just say it? facts are facts? it’ll probably be another day before elysium gives him the scissors so at the moment he is still also in love with hinagiku even though he’s gone ahead and let her go. he lacks the cagefish gene. ]

That’s fine. I won’t keep you.

[ it’s so impressive how uninterested he sounds even though he’s actually decently interested, but he figures he will meet her eventually. when that happens, he’ll make decisions and no sooner. just another complicated thing he will address later after time and distance have allowed certain matters and feelings to settle.

it doesn’t occur to him that this behavior is so annoying because it gives away none of what he’s feeling ]

[ she isn't exactly that.

he knows that for a fact and yet he can't help but to be endlessly drawn to her in the same way he is to miss bodyguard. every flutter of her eyelids beyond the shard made his heart beat a little faster, and even here where she sleeps more tangibly within his reach—

well, it's all a reminder of the fabric of time and space. the memories he only sees in glimpses of hazy, distant dreams... funny enough, they were the only reprieve he had from all his nightmares, and maybe that's also why even if she were a complete stranger, he would fight for all the same. who could deny the person who acted as their salvation, unbeknownst to them or not?

but, at the same time that he's painfully aware of all of this, it does sting a little for tobari to show no inkling of emotion. then again, maybe that's also better for the both of them. he gives a small sigh. ] Sure, thanks. I won't be too long.

I don't know if I told you, but she won't be coming back with us, anyway.

[ goodbye, the sea god's bride and hello linkon hunter? ]

[ the audacity of this man who literally didn't cagefish hinagiku to just say: ]

Ah? Why not?

[ it's true that tobari doesn't really know much about rafayel's relationship with her—just inklings of memory or strange cat butler fantasy that were given without his permission or explanation. still, he can recognize devotion when he sees it. he's not blind or stupid to affection and desire. (sometimes he just ignores it on purpose when it's not a priority. that may or may not be what is happening now.) ]

She's her, but a little different. Maybe she belongs to some other sea god?

[ he wonders if that also makes sense? is it weird?

he doesn't dwell on it. ]

[ . . . ]

So she still means a lot to you, but you can't have her?

[ saying it aloud is funny because it gets things to click for tobari that once again they're in slightly too similar situations. ]

... I hope you still get a chance to talk to her and say what you want to say.

[ even if it's complicated ]

I will. But, it's more like... maybe she's mine without either of us knowing?

[ would tobari be even more weirded out to know sylus also is involved with her as well? the idea does get a small quirk of his lips. maybe some would have taken it as their lover never truly having to weather the storms alone, but rafayel can't help but feel as little conflicted even now. ]

What about you?

[ with hinagiku? he tilts his head to the side a little, but then seems to shake his head. maybe, he should wait until they leave to ask. who knows what else this place has in store for them. ]

[ to be honest, tobari would think that shit is complicated, but he also got involved with hinagiku while obviously knowing that at least two people were also in love with her. sometimes—oftentimes, maybe?—you can't really help who you fall for.

as for his own answer, it's simple: ]

I'm bad for her.

[ rafayel saw how things ended—how hinagiku ended up getting hurt just for even getting involved with tobari. ]

There's no way forward for us that wouldn't pose a risk to her or her livelihood. She loves her life and her people, and there are others who depend on her who'd suffer if it came out that we're involved. I'm not worth that.

[ not with the limited time that he even has to give. but also... he gets it. because some part of him, even though he's letting her go, will always be hinagiku's. (until the scissors.) ]

... I don't think my situation's as complicated.

[ the statement gets a brief glance over, before rafayel tries to focus on the sights around him. not as much in an act of dismissing him, but more in a way of respecting his admittance. though, that doesn't necessarily stop him from speaking his mind, either. ]

I don't think she felt that way. [ it's a loose statement. rafayel understands his words painfully well. even as it currently stands, can he say he doesn't come without baggage and burdens? that he doesn't also carry on the will of a world miss bodyguard knows nothing about? it's a brief thought that crosses his mind before: ]

I think it is, but maybe you're just not allowing yourself to think so. Then again, solutions tend to be easy, but the resolve behind them are the hard part. [ said with a shrug. he keeps his voice even, almost distant as if to mimic tobari's prior tone. ] But, if that's the way you feel...

[ he respects those decisions. ... that's all they can do.

even when he knows how it ends, is it wrong to want to be with someone in spite of it? ]

[ ... in the end, he always lacks resolve. too kind to be a terrorist, too adamant to be a bystander. rafayel's probably right. if tobari really thought it was worth it, he could cross this gap—but given what a mess of a person he still feels like he is, how could he impose that on hinagiku? she loves him anyway. he knows that. he loves her, too.

and yet he really thinks she could do so much better, and every decision he's made here has been pushing her to that instead. it's arrogant of him to choose for her, but he does it anyway. ]

... it's the coward's way out. [ tobari has his own reasons. every single one of them sounds like an excuse. ] I can call it that.

But as long as she can be happy and safe—I'll always choose that future.

[ even if he's not a part of it ]

[ he doesn't agree nor disagree. perhaps, in some distant past, he may have made a similar decision. who can say. but, what he does know and have conviction for is that tobari's decisions were often intended for someone else. even if, it does make rafayel wonder if he knows how painful that might be for the other person. there is no deeper pain than being left behind, or waiting indefinitely for something or someone that may never come.

it's a deeper cruelty in a sense, and yet, it may be a choice tobari always makes.

not unlike the way he would sooner use the vial on suzune, even if it meant she would live in a cruel world without him. ]

Happy and safe... [ he closes his eyes and just nods. ] I hope that for their future. But, you should also remember that you should striving to be happy too, or it might feel like it's all for naught. As much as you want others to have that... you don't think they think the same for you?

[ . . . ]

People have to keep going. I won’t be around forever.

[ he won’t even be around a normal amount of time. it’s another argument he would’ve posed against rafayel giving him the vial, but it’s already a moot point. people can want well for tobari and he can appreciate it, but how worth it can it be when he’s only got a few years left?

it’s easier to focus on people with real futures. ]

I appreciate that kindness. I wouldn’t be here without it. It’s not like I’m against my own happiness… but I’m easy to please as long as the people I care about are taken care of anyway.

[ NOT THE FEW YEARS LEFT!!!!!!!!

thank god for doctor zayne ]

That may be true, but isn't it nice to extend that time by however long it can be...? [ he knows the complexity of any promise, but all the more when it was a promise of time. he doesn't pretend to comprehend what state tobari is in, but... ]

Then do us all a favor and try not to assume what we want either, yeah? If you really want to know what someone wants, you can always ask. [ ... and maybe their desires are also just as simple.

simple enough where rafayel makes the mistake of using the word "us." was that too straightforward? ]

[ zayne really is tasked with keeping tobari together with duct tape and prayer. but tobari looks thoughtful at the first question... he's really not going to tell rafayel right now of all times that he is dying. in all honesty, he's not sure when he'll tell him. later? maybe it'll come up but hopefully not too soon.

instead he focuses on the sentiment of 'us'.

it carries an implication that tobari also still isn't ready to address, because he's not sure how much he wants to shine a light on complicated, unsaid matters if rafayel is already entangled with someone else. tobari isn't selfish enough to get himself involved or make things harder.

... so he'll address the other piece that he thinks is just as important— ]

If all goes well, then I'll have a life again. I'm not ignorant of the fact that I'd owe that to you.

... so you don't have to worry about me wandering off and cutting ties, or abandoning you. I already know that, even at least in part, my life is in your hands.

If you ever want to get rid of me, it'd have to be by your own hand.

[ and tobari would accept that too—but he's not self-deprecating or out of touch enough to think such a thing is likely after all the trouble rafayel has already gone to keeping him ]

[ zayne can handle it. master of fate... a god... there's no excuse for not keeping tobari alive. says i, bijou.

that said, he still can't help but fall dead silent at tobari's declaration. he isn't sure why it makes him feel a little off. he isn't sure if it's mild hurt he feels or something else? he doesn't want tobari to think of it as him owing him as much as it is... ]

... Did I seem worried about that? [ he says gently, and it's clear by his tone that it isn't an actual question. before he can receive an answer, he's already moving on. ] A little dramatic, don'tchathink? I won't abandon you, either. Since I asked you come with, I plan to keep that promise.

In a world where promises are constantly broken, I should at least keep mine.

[ he says as he tilts his chin as he holds his pinky up. more so he does it symbolically, as opposed to actually expecting a pinky promise. ]

You don’t think giving someone a second chance at life is dramatic? Even the way you did it was a lot.

[ he has to fucking say it. why did rafayel have to kiss him about it. (well. ok he can guess.)

… but even if rafayel only means the gesture symbolically, tobari will still reach out to link their fingers together. ]

… whatever time I have left is yours.

[ in another world and time when things go right, tobari says a version of these words to hinagiku and he means it entirely romantically. here, now, his feelings are less clear—but he means it nonetheless. he already said he can imagine that both raf and suzune will keep him busy, and he doesn’t really think he’ll have time to even focus on anyone else once they get out of here.

he also finds that he… doesn’t really want to anyway. ]

[ that... remark definitely shuts rafayel up.

no, he almost coughs because he feels his own saliva get caught in his throat.

he purses his lips together briefly, his eyes purposely directed elsewhere. he doesn't re-establish that eye contact, even as tobari continues. he doesn't regret it so he's not about to apologize for it, but it didn't mean he didn't see it as a breach of boundaries. it wasn't mutually exclusive, but rafayel is prideful enough not to touch the topic, especially knowing how they both had people they were already deeply involved with.

when the finger loops around his, his pinky also comes to give tobari's a little squeeze. ]

Good. No one else could handle you but me, anyway. Troublemaker.

[ says him... ]

[ ? ]

Rich, coming from you.

[ but he won’t argue past it. instead he’ll just let go of rafayel’s pinky and rise to his feet. ]

Do what you need. I’ll just check on Suzune.

[ she’s obviously fine but it’s been a part of his routine everyday since they could see the eurydice. morning and night, just checking on his sister. ]

[ he will allow her to go check, and in the meantime, he will also commit to checking on his own eurydice who awaits him in the same field. the one who had probably left him behind yet again, and will likely continue to do so.

...

is this days later now? who knows how they've spent their last couple of days here. what he does know is that he makes no explicit fanfare of letting the sea god's bride go. she would return to her world, not unlike the way the hunter had returned to the light of the "surface world" where she belonged. but, even through time and space, even through the other people she would inevitably meet and perhaps be drawn to like clockwork— he knows their bond is everlasting. maybe that's what makes it easier to accept.

it still leaves him feeling deeply emotional, and yet... he still keeps his composure through it all, even when he meets with tobari. he might seem a little more somber than usual, but it picks back up when he sees tobari isn't alone, either.

hi, i'm here to continue this. let me see suzune... ]

[ tobari was there when the last grain of sand ran out. some part of him still couldn’t quite believe it—a chance to see his sister again, to hold onto her safe and whole when the last he’d seen of her was nothing more than a charred corpse. when he hugs her, she’s startled—but ends up crying all the same. just a few tears, after which she whaps him for making her mess up her makeup. tobari has laughed a few times now in purgatory… but this is the first time the sound is so free.

so he catches her up on a few things, making sure she drinks her own vial as soon as possible, and briefly explains what comes next. he glances in the direction of someone approaching, but before he can even get a word out, suzune is rushing ahead in all her flowing silks and graceful steps. ]

Are you Mister Rafayel…? Thank you so much for looking after Tobari!

[ she’ll bow deeply at the waist, head lowered as she continues to fret ]

I can only imagine how much trouble he inevitably caused you! Please accept my apology for his horrible personality!

[ tobari, in the back minding his own business: horrible????? ]

[ perhaps, it's good timing on rafayel's part. he's glad they were allowed the privacy of their reunion, and he can see by their body language that they're just as close as he believed them to be. it's heart-warming in a way that's kind of comforting, especially with the melancholy that still lingers within him. thankfully, the sudden greeting quickly disperses some of it, and he can barely hold back the desire to laugh.

sweet siblings... ] It's nice to meet you, Suzune. Tobari has talked a lot about you. It looks like you're just as lovely of a person as he's mentioned. [ there's a smile on his lips as he speaks almost like one might speak to someone's mother-in-law. there's a certain formality there, but also... a tinge of humor. ]

But, there's no need to apologize. Despite his sharp remarks, he has also helped me out a lot as well.

[ doesn't refute horrible... because it's just too funny. ]

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