glub | ( 🍓🧀 )

[ not the head pat

the funny thing is that tobari actually will endure being patted on the head by certain people he’s close to—but weirdly, he doesn’t want to accept one from rafayel. so he reaches up to catch that hand instead before it comes into contact with his hair, huffing ]

… she’ll like you, I think. A lot.

[ he glances over to where the eurydice sleep and his whirlwind of a little sister is so peacefully at rest ]

Something tells me I’m not going to get peace for a while.

[ and despite this he can’t help but sound… fond.

more time with two of his favorite people even when he didn’t think that it was possible… how does he still manage to find such luck? ]

[ his lips purse into a line momentarily as he gives a weak half-pout at the idea that tobari wouldn't let him pat him on the head today. then again, he did notice that tobari did always seem to stop him...? questions to consider later. for now, he gives up and withdraw his hand. ]

You think so? You sure you're not just trying to butter me up?

[ despite saying that, he does notice the fact that tobari doesn't seem too upset at the idea that he won't get "peace." instead, he gives a small shrug. ] Maybe peace is overrated and you're getting something better?

[ as if taking his own advice, rafayel supposed they could take the problems as they came. for now, he's a little comforted by the fact that he wasn't returning home alone for once. that he hasn't been cast aside, or forced to break some sort of unspoken bond. ]

[ first of all: ] She likes everyone more than me, but she likes your type the most.

[ playful friendly slightly dishonest guys with purple hair

that said, it’s not hard for him to agree ]

… but yeah. I know I am. [ he knows exactly what rafayel has offered him and it’s still making his head swim a bit. he looks at him again for a long moment, as if trying to get any type of stability before getting swept away in the waves of whatever rafayel has planned ] Maybe I’ll get to see that ocean of yours after all.

[ even if lemuria itself isn’t an option. something close. ]

[ speaking of dishonest... ] That's probably not true.

[ her ripping him apart comes from love... probably ]

My type, huh? Good taste. Must be the otherworldy charm. [ why are you making him compliment himself in two threads dana

also WHO IS THAT IN ITEHARI???? ]

You will. You'll see enough of it that you miiight finally get sick of it. Or, at the very least, you might want to spread your wings and venture off even further. [ ... ] But, you'll always come back to it, I think.

Once you see the allure of the sea, it's hard to go back to a time before knowing it.

Hmm.

[ he just lets raf compliment himself… says nothing in affirmation or decline…

it’s easier to talk about the ocean. he looks thoughtful, thinking back to the vision of the ocean that obikawa showed him in the simulations… ]

… it’s hard to imagine getting sick of it. [ he looks around at the flower field they’re in, a little moment of awe taking over again ] All of this that everyone else finds so commonplace.

It feels strange to admit that what I’ve always dreamed of is so small to everyone else.

[ maybe this is also why he doesn’t think to want much - everything he actually desires is so impossible ]

I think I get what you mean. [ from what he comprehends of tobari's world, there weren't a lot of options for the people who weren't born into the right circles. as a result, he was devoid of the things people would consider mundane, or even a given. ... and in some ways, rafayel could relate. ]

Even I was surprised by the surface world at first. [ it was a beautiful and thriving land. even if he's also seen the worst facets of it, he doesn't think it would ever fully detract from what sights he did soak in. in the same way, he hopes tobari can also see and experience just as much. ]

But, that's why I hope you see and let yourself see lots of it.

[ enough where it may become tobari's commonplace one day.

not that he'd lose his appreciation for it, but where it'd become something expected instead of far out of reach. ]

… thanks.

[ a little distracted, a little soft. it’s funny when itehari would think you’re a heretic and an insane person for even expressing a desire to see the world and now he hears someone so openly encouraging about it. ]

Did you always want to see it? What’s your favorite part about it?

[ the question throws him off a little. he isn’t sure if it’s the casualness of it all after such an important conversation, or the fact that they’re capable of simply falling right back into step with one another after everything that’s recently transpired.

either way, his lips do quirk in a subtle, subdued smile. ] Not always, but I guess certain events kind of solidified it. As for my favorite part, probably traveling?

Should I give you a whole tour?

[ if they’re going back with each other, isn’t it for the best if they’re able to fall back into step again?

and maybe it’s just because there’s too much to navigate in terms of the bigger feelings that tobari doesn’t feel like looking in the eye right now. too much to do at the moment. ]

A tour of… the surface? All of it?

[ the fact that they both kind of call it this is funny ]

Not even I've seen all of it, you know. [ mostly because he isn't very fond of flying. he liked having his feet firmly planted on something, which might be weird coming from a fish, but it's a fact nonetheless. that said— ]

But, that doesn't mean we can't start. I actually have a whole book filled with notes of places I've visited. Photos I've taken. I guess we can start from choosing a place in there first? [ HELP ME... everyone else listening like that kermit meme... ]

[ huh...

tobari can't help but be interested—since he was young, he'd wanted to see everything the surface had to offer, even when it was taboo and everyone said that the surface was worse than itehari itself. the idea of getting to travel and see more parts of it, the same way that he'd seen so much here in purgatory that he'd never encountered before, is... a little thrilling.

he's never really let himself want these types of things before. and yet... ]

... I'm not sure what to do with the fact that you're making more than one of my dreams come true.

[ honestly, ]

But sure. I'd like that.

[ tobari’s words gets a soft chuckle out of him. it wasn’t necessarily out of taking his words lightly as much as he genuinely respected tobari’s desire to see the world, regardless of the one he came from. without fear or reservation— emotions most people felt in the face of the unknown.

though, he doesn’t necessarily see himself as someone who is making tobari’s wishes come true as opposed to operating purely from his own wants. it reminds him of their shared moment at the party and…

he brushes it off. ] Perfect, then as soon as we get back we’ll figure out. With Suzune.

Oh, but try not feel too bad if you’re left out.

[ maybe one of these days, tobari will understand what it means to feel fear. for right now, there is only the odd feeling of excitement for the new life waiting ahead that settles in his chest... sitting awkwardly next to a guilt that he's not quite able to shake.

he's not sure if he ever truly will be rid of it—but it's easier to focus on rafayel's own weaving of the future for now. ]

I'm resigned to it. [ being left out. suzune would absolutely vastly prefer to spend time with rafayel and he can already imagine it. though he will spare a glance over his shoulder to where the eurydice are all sleeping closer to the base of the tree ] ... do you want to see her?

Or I guess we have until the hourglass is out for you to meet her properly.

[ at the very least, tobari isn't that worried about his progress in purgatory's trials. ]

[ he isn’t sure if he shares the same confidence in the trials.

not from any lack of effort on his part, but more so in a way where he doesn’t feel like anything is truly guaranteed. for the longest time he’s only thought of endings as opposed to the journey. maybe because loss and the feeling of injustice felt more natural to him. it’s why rafayel wonders if he can truly promise all of this to someone else when he doesn’t even know what time and space has in store for his own fate. but maybe it’s having someone else rely on him that also makes him feel… reinvigorated? like he wants to keep moving forward.

not that rafayel would ever forfeit by choice, but he’s comforted by the reassurance of not being alone for once.

maybe it’s him who should feel grateful for that.

which is why he does give a nod. ] Yeah, I’ll see her. But, before that… [ he should probably take care of the person in his shard, right? but he doesn’t know why he feels weird about saying that in front of tobari. ]

[ . . . ?

it takes tobari a second to realize the end of that sentence, mostly because he’s not sure why rafayel trails off. ]

The woman you love, right?

[ he will just say it? facts are facts? it’ll probably be another day before elysium gives him the scissors so at the moment he is still also in love with hinagiku even though he’s gone ahead and let her go. he lacks the cagefish gene. ]

That’s fine. I won’t keep you.

[ it’s so impressive how uninterested he sounds even though he’s actually decently interested, but he figures he will meet her eventually. when that happens, he’ll make decisions and no sooner. just another complicated thing he will address later after time and distance have allowed certain matters and feelings to settle.

it doesn’t occur to him that this behavior is so annoying because it gives away none of what he’s feeling ]

[ she isn't exactly that.

he knows that for a fact and yet he can't help but to be endlessly drawn to her in the same way he is to miss bodyguard. every flutter of her eyelids beyond the shard made his heart beat a little faster, and even here where she sleeps more tangibly within his reach—

well, it's all a reminder of the fabric of time and space. the memories he only sees in glimpses of hazy, distant dreams... funny enough, they were the only reprieve he had from all his nightmares, and maybe that's also why even if she were a complete stranger, he would fight for all the same. who could deny the person who acted as their salvation, unbeknownst to them or not?

but, at the same time that he's painfully aware of all of this, it does sting a little for tobari to show no inkling of emotion. then again, maybe that's also better for the both of them. he gives a small sigh. ] Sure, thanks. I won't be too long.

I don't know if I told you, but she won't be coming back with us, anyway.

[ goodbye, the sea god's bride and hello linkon hunter? ]

[ the audacity of this man who literally didn't cagefish hinagiku to just say: ]

Ah? Why not?

[ it's true that tobari doesn't really know much about rafayel's relationship with her—just inklings of memory or strange cat butler fantasy that were given without his permission or explanation. still, he can recognize devotion when he sees it. he's not blind or stupid to affection and desire. (sometimes he just ignores it on purpose when it's not a priority. that may or may not be what is happening now.) ]

She's her, but a little different. Maybe she belongs to some other sea god?

[ he wonders if that also makes sense? is it weird?

he doesn't dwell on it. ]

[ . . . ]

So she still means a lot to you, but you can't have her?

[ saying it aloud is funny because it gets things to click for tobari that once again they're in slightly too similar situations. ]

... I hope you still get a chance to talk to her and say what you want to say.

[ even if it's complicated ]

I will. But, it's more like... maybe she's mine without either of us knowing?

[ would tobari be even more weirded out to know sylus also is involved with her as well? the idea does get a small quirk of his lips. maybe some would have taken it as their lover never truly having to weather the storms alone, but rafayel can't help but feel as little conflicted even now. ]

What about you?

[ with hinagiku? he tilts his head to the side a little, but then seems to shake his head. maybe, he should wait until they leave to ask. who knows what else this place has in store for them. ]

[ to be honest, tobari would think that shit is complicated, but he also got involved with hinagiku while obviously knowing that at least two people were also in love with her. sometimes—oftentimes, maybe?—you can't really help who you fall for.

as for his own answer, it's simple: ]

I'm bad for her.

[ rafayel saw how things ended—how hinagiku ended up getting hurt just for even getting involved with tobari. ]

There's no way forward for us that wouldn't pose a risk to her or her livelihood. She loves her life and her people, and there are others who depend on her who'd suffer if it came out that we're involved. I'm not worth that.

[ not with the limited time that he even has to give. but also... he gets it. because some part of him, even though he's letting her go, will always be hinagiku's. (until the scissors.) ]

... I don't think my situation's as complicated.

[ the statement gets a brief glance over, before rafayel tries to focus on the sights around him. not as much in an act of dismissing him, but more in a way of respecting his admittance. though, that doesn't necessarily stop him from speaking his mind, either. ]

I don't think she felt that way. [ it's a loose statement. rafayel understands his words painfully well. even as it currently stands, can he say he doesn't come without baggage and burdens? that he doesn't also carry on the will of a world miss bodyguard knows nothing about? it's a brief thought that crosses his mind before: ]

I think it is, but maybe you're just not allowing yourself to think so. Then again, solutions tend to be easy, but the resolve behind them are the hard part. [ said with a shrug. he keeps his voice even, almost distant as if to mimic tobari's prior tone. ] But, if that's the way you feel...

[ he respects those decisions. ... that's all they can do.

even when he knows how it ends, is it wrong to want to be with someone in spite of it? ]

[ ... in the end, he always lacks resolve. too kind to be a terrorist, too adamant to be a bystander. rafayel's probably right. if tobari really thought it was worth it, he could cross this gap—but given what a mess of a person he still feels like he is, how could he impose that on hinagiku? she loves him anyway. he knows that. he loves her, too.

and yet he really thinks she could do so much better, and every decision he's made here has been pushing her to that instead. it's arrogant of him to choose for her, but he does it anyway. ]

... it's the coward's way out. [ tobari has his own reasons. every single one of them sounds like an excuse. ] I can call it that.

But as long as she can be happy and safe—I'll always choose that future.

[ even if he's not a part of it ]

[ he doesn't agree nor disagree. perhaps, in some distant past, he may have made a similar decision. who can say. but, what he does know and have conviction for is that tobari's decisions were often intended for someone else. even if, it does make rafayel wonder if he knows how painful that might be for the other person. there is no deeper pain than being left behind, or waiting indefinitely for something or someone that may never come.

it's a deeper cruelty in a sense, and yet, it may be a choice tobari always makes.

not unlike the way he would sooner use the vial on suzune, even if it meant she would live in a cruel world without him. ]

Happy and safe... [ he closes his eyes and just nods. ] I hope that for their future. But, you should also remember that you should striving to be happy too, or it might feel like it's all for naught. As much as you want others to have that... you don't think they think the same for you?

[ . . . ]

People have to keep going. I won’t be around forever.

[ he won’t even be around a normal amount of time. it’s another argument he would’ve posed against rafayel giving him the vial, but it’s already a moot point. people can want well for tobari and he can appreciate it, but how worth it can it be when he’s only got a few years left?

it’s easier to focus on people with real futures. ]

I appreciate that kindness. I wouldn’t be here without it. It’s not like I’m against my own happiness… but I’m easy to please as long as the people I care about are taken care of anyway.

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