glub | ( 🍓🧀 )

[ miss bodyguard would always be important to him. regardless, of what form she takes, and no matter who she is connected with. but, that didn't mean he couldn't feel hopelessly drawn to someone else. even if he could technically still be in denial over it. in another universe, in another time, maybe his attraction could have gone unnoticed, or maybe in another scenario, he could have discovered himself down a different path. but, as it stands... he's honestly not in the right frame of mind. he feels like all his progression, the mental leaps he makes seems to get muddled when he thinks of tobari.

as much comfort as he's given him, whether physically or mentally... maybe it was all pointless, after all? except, that's not true at all. kindness was an easy way to get someone attached. he's warned a certain hunter of this time and time again, and it looks like there still may have been one person who didn't get the memo. it's weird, he never thought he could miss someone else like this. it's like he's mourning the idea of them being gone, even when they're still right next to him. or maybe they're both too used to goodbyes and it's this idea that sticks to the inside of his brain like the years of paint he's spilled all over his hardwood flooring.

at the same party, but with a different attitude, he approaches tobari outside. unlike the times where he's given him a choice, he doesn't wait for tobari to even think up some selfless, infuriating plan. instead, he pops open the vial, and puts it up to his own lips, holding the liquid in his mouth as he slots his mouth against tobari's. he holds the back of tobari's neck roughly, if just to give him the message not to resist.

he won't stop unless he drinks it all down... ]

[ maybe there's a version of events where this could've been avoided. tobari holds the compass he was going to use to find the soul of the girl he loves in one hand, and in the other his fingers curl lazily around the stem of the wine glass he's been nursing over the night. the colors of the northern lights above distract him, the combination of distraction and spirits making everything seem just that much slower. when he hears footsteps approach and sees rafayel, there's a part of him that's inclined to smile in greeting. an idea has already formed and coalesced: even if tobari can't use the compass to get what he wants, maybe rafayel can—

and any thought dissipates with the crash of lips on his. it's not the first time, no, and tobari's first thought is that maybe it's just another curse. if it is, that's fine. he can ride the wave of it again, even if they feel dangerously closer this time compared to the last.

it's only when he tastes lemon that he realizes what's actually happening. it feels like a betrayal when the body's instinct is to swallow when the other option is to drown, and he can't pull any further back or else risk tipping right over the balcony edge and taking rafayel with him—even now, he can't risk hurting him in any way that actually matters. even if tobari's vision flashes a furious red.

a second chance—at what? another life spent alone? more time to remember every single one of his mistakes?

he can't bring himself to punch rafayel. (well. at least not yet.) however, he's never been a person that's all bark and no bite. so he does exactly that. he sinks his teeth into rafayel's lip. hard enough to bleed. ]

[ half of rafayel wonders what's exactly on tobari's mind. is it him? if he could occupy that space, then he'd gladly take the resentment that comes along with it. as much as he'd like to respect and cherish his wishes, he can't in this case. he can't watch tobari walk down a path that just leads to him ceasing to exist entirely. unlike with her... he's under no delusion to think their fates are tied.

at least, not until now?

it's easy for him to get caught in the heat of tobari's mouth. while he's trying not to taste down any liquid in an attempt to force tobari to swallow every last drop, even down to liquid stuck on his tongue— it doesn't mean he doesn't feel that bite. he isn't sure what he tastes more the lemon or the blood. he releases a small exhale of humor, as if finding the attempt funny. he presses his body closer, as if a bold testament to say if he did fall off the balcony, he'd come with him.

he places his thumb over tobari's adam's apple, waiting for it to bob in confirmation that he's swallowed. only once it does, does he pull away. ] Do you feel better now that you got your revenge on me? [ does biting his lip count as that?

he knows that probably doesn't even cover how mad he is, but he makes the easy remark anyway. ]

[ revenge? not even close.

tobari hasn't had many reasons to be angry in purgatory at all. it's true that he's unfriendly by default, some might even call him a grouch, but there hasn't been anything here that's inspired his genuine fury. until now. his eyes flash with spite and his mind still hasn't fully caught onto the implications of this—but before the dread sinks in, he clings onto the feeling of betrayal first and foremost. it's different than the one he'd experienced before arriving. it's not someone who's willing to toss him aside and blame him for everything that goes wrong—

but then what is this? what could be worth ignoring any say that tobari has when it comes to his own life?

his hand drops the wine glass, ignoring its tumble and shatter. his fist curls into rafayel's collar, five seconds from... what? pushing him away? throwing him off? punching that expression off his face? it all depends. ]

Explain. Now.

[ he's not going to like the answer no matter what it is. he's sure of that... but even now, he can't just jump into harming someone he cares so much about without giving them a chance. ]

[ he doesn't address the blood on his lips, just letting it out there. despite the fact that he's pulled away, his hand is still touching the connection between his neck and shoulder, and he reflexively withdraws. is it all just anger tobari feels, or does he also feel disgust? does he hate who he is? while there's a lot of questions he has, he does figure he owes tobari a genuine explanation first.

or work his way up to one, at least.

he speaks terribly calmy when he does. ] Well, I figured you weren't ever going to put yourself first. [ it comes out a little more quietly than he intends, but in their close proximity, he's sure it doesn't matter. ] Be honest. If I gave you this, what would you have done with it? Give it back?

... Use it for someone else?

[ he's not wrong. of course he isn't. rafayel knows what tobari has lost, and he knows who tobari is here for. it's almost painfully obvious exactly what tobari would do with that vial if he had a choice in the matter and there's no universe in which he'd choose himself over his sister. he'd already lived without her once—he would never want to repeat that.

that pit in his stomach grows, realizing that might be exactly what happens from here on out. ]

And what the hell is it to you?

[ the words are growled out, vicious. if rafayel knew, then why would he even bother? ]

Then you should've just kept it!

[ it's not like he can't comprehend why tobari is mad. he supposed anyone would be if they had their own agency to live or die stripped from them like this. this isn't like the world of fiction where people were revived after death and people met them with nothing but gratitude. at the very least, tobari isn't and was never like that. he was like a man who had long accepted his fate rather than one who struggled and fought against it tooth and nail. no, he'd only do that for someone else's benefit.

for someone special.

but, isn't rafayel also doing the same? ]

You can accept so many things that have happened to you, and is this so much worse? [ he looks at tobari, and there's something a little lonelier reflected in his gaze. maybe tobari is right and he had no real right to do this... maybe it isn't his business, but was he wrong to want it to be? ]

If you're mad, just push me off. You look like you want to.

[ you can accept so many things that have happened to you—

but can he?

there's a moment where tobari's hold loosens in his surprise, a simple phrase tearing open a wound that hasn't even begun to heal. a knife jabbed in and twisted. tobari's entire home burnt to the ground. his beloved baby sister died ahead of him. all at the hands of his own older brother figure who'd taken him in as a child—who was ready to discard him because he never matched up to what the district needed him to be. and in the final moments, he'd failed even hinagiku. but this statement, the sheer confidence of it, rattles him as he's forced to reckon with something that he didn't want to admit even to himself.

maybe he didn't want to live anymore.

and now he has to.

it is worse. in every single way. ]

... what did I do to you?

[ to deserve this? ]

[ they're words he easily regrets when he sees tobari's expression. it isn't that he meant it was easy, or even remotely normal for anyone to really move on from— but he meant that in spite of all these things, tobari could still live. that even if he couldn't stop looking back, he could at least move forward. ... and eventually find his own form of an anchor. someone or something to ground him to life, and maybe he'd inevitably find happiness, no matter how brief and transitory of a concept it seemed for people like them.

but despite his reflection over his words— he doesn't regret what he's done.

he also has a certain conviction, and it can't be shaken, even when tobari acts like the world as he knows it is over. when tobari's grip loosens, he finds that he leans in a little closer. just enough to touch his chin on his shoulder, before he moves away. ]

Maybe you were just a little too kind to me.

[ everything that happened to tobari and everything he endured—he kept walking because he felt as though it was his fault. it was his penance and his burden to bear for all his failures. it weighed heavily on him even though he never revealed as much to a single soul... but he wondered if rafayel would be able to understand. someone else who'd lost so much but still kept going. is that what this is? some way to get tobari to understand him even more?

to be forced to live with the knowledge of everything that's ever slipped through your fingers?

rafayel comes closer and tobari watches him—but his fingers slip from the fabric of his shirt entirely, no longer holding on. he's baffled. was this a kindness? how could it be?

... but that's the issue. if rafayel meant well, then there's no way that tobari could ever truly attack him for it. not physically and not verbally. maybe this spite would swirl in his heart, a feeling of betrayal that forgiveness couldn't soothe over—but nothing that tobari could ever bring himself to express.

he's always saved by the kindness of the other people. sometimes, apparently, even against his will. ]

... I can't thank you.

[ all of what rafayel does isn't for gratitude. actually, if he had to say, he knows he's just being stubborn. repaying emotions that he may have no right to, but it's like he's always said: creatures get attached easily. maybe even more so when they are given emotions and kindness that they aren't normally accustomed to.

it wasn't that such conventions weren't ingrained into lemurian culture, but it's that their beliefs hinged on the idea that humans were callous, greedy, and foolish individuals. so when there were people who could forfeit all of that and offer their genuine devotion— that feeling was one of the strongest forces in the world.

enough to power a sea god, or so the legends go. in this case, it's just enough for him to feel like tobari deserved a second chance, even if he had to suffer for it. knowing he's alive somewhere in the world brought him comfort. but, in spite of his resolve, it doesn't mean he can't be hurt, and even now he studies tobari's face for any traces of emotion. of confirmation that he didn't resent him. ] I know. [ he says easily,

and this time he continues. ] If it's home you're worried about, just come with me.

[ if it's an option. or maybe they can roam around here long enough to find out? ]

[ . . . and this is why it’s so hard for tobari to only be angry.

there’s frustration, of course there is, but when he opens his eyes to look at rafayel again, he’s more mystified than anything else. some part of him knows and understands, objectively, how precious this chance he’s been given is. some part of him doesn’t want it if only because the idea of living a lonely life with nothing but his regrets and failures for company sounds like torture.

… but there’s opportunity, too. the abyss was and is a horrible rundown place in itehari. there wasn’t much hope there either, and yet tobari spent his whole life trying to better it for the sake of his sister and the people he was responsible for. even then, it’s not like he never dreamed of running away. isn’t that what he admitted to hinagiku? that his most selfish wish was to get away from everything he ever hated, to see the surface and see how life could start anew?

isn’t this that chance?

… but there’s a snag. of course there is. ]

…. My sister, Raf.

[ no matter what happens, tobari can’t abandon her. ]

I can’t go anywhere without her.

[ there's a second in which he pauses, his eyes trailing to the ground in a moment of consideration, before his eyes settle back on tobari's. ] I'm not asking you to leave her behind. [ it's complicated for him to explain, if just because he isn't actually sure of how their desires are even realized in this place.

still— ] But, after you save her, there's nothing holding you back anymore, right?

[ right? he looks at tobari, his head canting just slightly. to be fair, he knew he'd say something like this. if tobari were the type who could leave it all behind, would he have even been half as drawn to someone like that? he doesn't think so. ]

[ he wants to say yes.

there’s been a lot of losses in tobari’s life but suzune was the hardest. he glances inside again to where the mazekeepers have departed, and then lets his gaze drop to the compass still in his hand. he knows that it won’t change. the needle spins in circles and circles, aimless, because he can’t access its actual ability. he shouldn’t even need to.

the sapphire thread already promises hinagiku’s happiness somewhere without him. so why did he reach for the compass? just to see it for himself? just to make sure that she was safe and sound even if he was never going to approach her again?

because he loves her even if he knows he’ll never have her? ]

… what if the Princess is here?

What, are you suddenly scared I'm going to take it back then? [ he says it as if it's a joke. he'd like to think that tobari knows him well enough that he could never do that. no matter how burned he is by the kindling of his own feelings. ... and maybe it's because he does intrinsically understand the depth of a bond and a real love, he can't hold it against him. so rafayel gives a small shrug, no different than how he normally acts. ]

Or are you asking for advice?

[ if tobari wants to chase the princess, he can't control him.

maybe he'd watch him on this journey a little longer. maybe he'd see what happens, or what their future brings. .... or if they all wanted to tag along, why not? linkon surely had enough space for a few more outsiders. ]

… neither.

[ also he wishes raf would take this back but he knows he won’t. that’s part of the problem. (solution?) ]

You just asked if there’s anything else that’d hold me back and I’m being honest with you.

[ that if there’s anything else in the world that could bring him to doubt, it’s hinagiku. but he’ll lean back against the banister of the balcony railing and sigh, letting his gaze lift back up to the lights above as if that’d help get his thoughts in order instead of just looking at rafayel. infuriating, kind, frustrating, thoughtful rafayel who tobari still doesn’t know if he wants to punch or keep even closer.

(he still remembers how everything turned out the last time he felt even an inkling of something like this.) ]

… why are you doing this, Raf?

[ he doesn’t know if he’ll get an honest answer in return… but he wants to at least try ]

[ honestly, he's not even thinking of the logistics? sucking the liquid back out of his body? that's just weird. still, he doesn't spend a whole lot of time thinking of impossible what ifs. instead, he just hums quietly in response. ]

The fact you're asking means you probably know the answer.

[ that's actually the opposite of why most people ask questions, and yet he believes tobari is someone who can read between those lines. rafayel had always thought that no one could understand him, and while that thought hasn't changed, he does think that tobari comes terribly close at times. almost too close for comfort, and maybe that's why they're here.

still casual, he ends up throwing the empty vial to the side. ]

Maybe it's the same reason you haven't pushed me off this balcony yet.

[ why does he keep joking about this... ]

—oi.

[ i let myself roll a dice to see if tobari could catch the vial or not—but with a 7, he doesn't quite make it. it slips through his fingers and clatters to the floor and when it does, he has to wonder why he even bothered. sentiment? resentment? some half-baked hope that they could still reverse this and rafayel doesn't have to waste his gift?

(it doesn't have to be a waste. and yet—)

for some reason, it feels wrong to treat it so carelessly. ]

... I'm not pushing you off the balcony because even if I'm pissed at you, I wouldn't hurt you.

[ even if there's an impulse under tobari's skin to put this frustration somewhere—right now, it has nowhere to go. his empty hand opens and closes, flexing his fingers against nothing. ]

But what the hell do you expect me to do now?

[ tobari!!!

it's true. it probably wasn't very kind of him to do that, especially knowing what it meant to tobari. it's like the empty vial itself is now just laying there as a symbol to how permanent this "choice" (which wasn't actually one) was. but, maybe that's also a point rafayel wanted to drive home, whether he's actively acknowledging it or not.

instead, he looks over to the edge of the balcony, his eyes measuring the distance, before he shrugs. ] I wouldn't die at least. [ he says as if it was just a simple fact. though, he does look a bit more thoughtful at his next question. ]

Whatever you want. [ he'd be here to support that. ... or keep his distance if that's what tobari really wants. ] If you want to focus on your sister, that's fine. If you don't end up wanting to do anything else... that's fine too.

[ . . . somehow, it feels like rafayel really is so good at turning things around to make tobari feel like the bad guy. or maybe it's just tobari's tendency to (tsuyukusa voice) take things on as his fault, even though they aren't. he knows this probably isn't any intentional thing that rafayel is doing, because at the end of the day...

he gave tobari another chance to live. even if he didn't (and doesn't?) want it. he's opening the door to his own home so that tobari doesn't need to return to itehari and all the burdens that it comes with. and wasn't tobari the one who said that he's not an ungrateful person?

it's just at odds with the way that rafayel says now 'whatever you want', which even tobari has to point out: ] You didn't care about what I wanted five minutes ago.

[ . . . even if that sentiment does boil down to 'rafayel selfishly wants tobari to live'. and that stirs something in his chest that he has trouble placing. (when was the last time that someone cared about him this much?) ]

... I need to think about it.

[ he needs to think about a lot of things. ]

[ his words... don't hurt him as much as rafayel himself thought they would. instead, he just releases an almost hollow laugh. honestly, he would have done it no matter what, so remorse wasn't in his cards. he'd easily drink up this much venom. ] You're right. It sounds hypocritical.

[ maybe it is hypocritical.

but, he's not about to delve too deeply into that. he gets it's tobari who is conflicted, and he knows he doesn't deserve to overthink his own decisions, or tobari's reaction to them. it's why he seems oddly calm in light of this all. patient, even when he's always been impatient by nature. ] But, I mean it. You're allowed to take your time and think about what you want to do with your life.

I just wanted you to be able to do that. [ even if the way he did it...

was to not give him that initial choice to begin with. ]

[ tobari has never had a moment to consider his own path without anyone else's influence. from the moment that his foster mother took him in, he knew the debt that he had to repay. since he and his sister could become citizens of itehari, protected by that legal recognition, he was on the path to become the next head of the district before he was even old enough to drink. that's what it means to repay debts and to look after the people who loved you. that sentiment of devoting his life to those who give him a chance to live at all is baked into the core of his being.

which is, perhaps, what makes even looking at rafayel right now so damn confusing.

tobari no longer has a district to call his own; everyone still left there wants nothing to do with them. he still considered them his responsibility, but now there's someone else here offering him a different chance. is it selfish to take it?

those are the questions on the tip of his tongue: had you ever considered abandoning lemuria? what direction has your life taken since you lost it? what would you do in my shoes?

... but he's not sure he's even ready to hear whatever rafayel has to say. the unanswered question of what will happen to tobari's sister remains and he needs to go back into the party and beg and barter with someone, anyone, who picked up a vial for her sake because he'd never be so demanding for himself but he'd do anything for suzune.

so with that mission in mind, he presses his hand lightly against rafayel's shoulder, nudging him back. just enough space for tobari to reach down and pick up that discarded vial, turning it over in his hand, and pocketing it. ]

... My turn to be the one to call you.

[ he's walking away first, and he's not answering rafayel's messages until he initiates contact. ]

I'll have an answer for you by then. I won't keep you waiting long.

[ there's just no way for him to make any type of progress like this right now, and he doesn't want to say something he'll regret to the same person who saved his life—who looked at him and thought there was even something worth saving ]

[ in a way, this is a punishment in and of itself. being forced to wait again. yet, rafayel doesn't jump to kicking up some fuss. instead, he seems to just watch the emotions as they flicker through tobari's features. even the ones he can only kind of get a grasp on when tobari's face doesn't give way to anything. regardless, he also tries not to over-speculate what he doesn't know of. ... and what he might not even deserve to be privy to.

he tries not to look too somber even when he responds, instead giving a quiet, collected sort of nod. he does stare at tobari for a second longer than he should, before he casts his gaze back out to the balcony, purposely avoiding any sort of additional eye contact. he doesn't want to know or see if he's hurt him. then... ] I'll be waiting. [ for once, he doesn't even begin to say "don't keep me waiting too long." he doesn't justify himself, and instead, lets tobari walk away.

even if it may be with the slight comfort that tobari may have no choice but to eventually return. ]

[ there is a version of events where tobari never gets his hands on a second vial.

and with no second chance second vial, tobari still struggles to see a future that he's willing to live without suzune. what a selfish thing it is, to be an older brother who failed his sister not once, but twice. no matter what happens, he can't move on from it. maybe the chance to stay in purgatory with her comes up or maybe there is a long, long search for a similar boon for her; he'd hunt down every mazekeeper if he had to. it squanders raf's gift and the guilt eats at tobari from the inside. so much so that he can't see the sentiment for what it is at its heart. instead, it's just another burden for him to carry until rafayel is long gone and just another person that tobari disappointed, that he could never quite be worthy of.

we are ignoring that bijou rolled an 8 on this and instead tobari is given a second vial.

so instead rafayel gets a text when the final week dawns: ]

Meet me at the flower field

[ i can't believe dice maiden continues to ruin my entire life singlehandedly

( dana voice ) why did you roll when you knew what you wanted... listen. half of rafayel was beginning to suspect no text would ever come. perhaps, tobari found out that he wasn't willing to part with purgatory, and the glimmering potential of hope that would always linger just within view. a promised life with his sister... in turn, maybe rafayel would also never know what the end of his journey would bring. maybe he would have taken that as sign enough.

but, just like that, he gets the text.

it's ominous. or maybe, rafayel can't help but feel like all nerves when they departed on such rocky terms not so long ago. regardless, it's not like he isn't going to show up. he shoots a quick— ] ill be there [ before he sets off.

he wonders if tobari is already there, or if he's beating him there.

either way, he discovers himself taking his time, mostly absorbing the sights of the flowers as if it's his last. ]

because i like what ifs...

thank u insane vial au

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